Over the years there have been many tools that helped me grow from a shy girl into the woman I am today. One of my favorites and most helpful tools I have encountered is kink. It helped me step outside the social paradigms around gender. It helped me state my boundaries and desires. It made me feel my power.
It’s interesting. How when changing the patterns around me, the results become different. Of course. Different input (by conscious choice) creates a different output. But the brain! My mind says: “It’s different, which is not the usual pattern, which means whatever is happening is wrong!” ~ I have worked hard to break through the pattern of attracting avoidant men, which mainly was breaking through the safety-measurements I took to keep a safe distance from intimacy (because avoidant/unavailable men will never come completely close, supporting my fear of intimacy, and we both felt comfortable yet unfulfilled – and often easily triggered as this anxious/avoidant dynamic creates very little safety). But then, when this pattern breaks, and I decide that I actually…
Me and Jamie Catto talking about what intimacy is, how sex can be more than rubbing things together. Sex is not just an act. But culture teaches us to approach sex in a ‘yang’ manner: directed actions with a clear goal in mind. But when we learn to listen to our bodies and the bodies we’re playing with, sex becomes a different experience. The best sex doesn’t depend completely on what you’re doing; but on how you’re doing it. Also: Jamie & I talking means loads of hilarity and not taking things too seriously.
One of the most common pitfalls in the field of personal growth that I see is the belief that we have to face everything that triggers a response in us. After doing my research, I concluded this is absolute nonsense. Not everything we face is a challenge to overcome. Some things are a boundary, and we can say a loud and clear ‘no’ to the experience. Sometimes it can be a fine line whether something is a challenge or fear worth facing, or when it’s a boundary. I’m using my rollercoaster-analogy to explain how I feel the difference between what I do and don’t want to face.
Join Reid Mihalko and me as we talk about s.xual nourishment, where we share some of our personal backgrounds around nourishment, as well as an overview of different ways of finding s.xual nourishment (hint: it’s not just about touching yourself) right at the end. We’re also mentioning our events in December. The first one is Date Your Species – with Reid Mihalko & Wilrieke Sophia.
Open relating can be an escape from exploring deeper within (I wrote about it on my blog, just do a search for ‘polyamory’ on my website) – connecting with many can be an escape from facing fears. But connecting with multiple people can also be a deep dive into creating a more secure attachment system. A sharing of my current personal explorations.