Feeling too much and not good enough


Have you ever realized that most of us feel both too much and not enough at the same time? Too loud, too present, too quiet, too fat, too small, too shy. not good enough, not loved enough, not smart enough, not fast enough, not rich enough. Yes, they are different sides of the same medal of self-judgment, although they tend to have different results. Feeling too much results in hiding, while feeling not enough results in over-acting. We try to compensate what we believe how the outer world experiences us. That’s called projection. We project an image of ourselves onto others, and, while we’re doing this anyway, also assume they will have a certain reaction towards us. We think we…

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(Poem #12) Contemplations


What is to be found outside that’s not within? Still we look around to afraid to realise That we don’t need it the hunting, the looking, the demanding Of what was never ours to begin with. You can never fill a void that is in you With something else that is not yours. Go back inwards Go in backwards Just feel your body It’s your responsibility to realise You have always been complete.

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How Confusion leads to Presence

How confusion leads to presence

My head often feels like a board meeting of an enterprise debating the execution of a delicate million dollar assignment. The chief practical officer brings in arguments of why I have no time to go for a walk of simply stare out of the window. The chief financial officer worries that it won’t bring in enough money. The officer of social affairs tells me this guy is probably only interested in sex, while the chief officer of mommy-issues tells me I should feel guilty for not spending these minutes playing with my kids. The food officer tells me I should only eat healthy things, while the clerk dealing with emotional affairs believes chocolate is always permitted. When it comes to…

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On the desire for control


Life is such a vast experience, that it’s hard to grasp. On the one hand we try to keep ourselves small. We tell each other about all the impossibilities in our days, how we can’t manage or aren’t allowed to. Making our lives small is a coping mechanism for those who can’t see the vastness and the abundance. Another coping mechanism is control. Whether it is about our own decisions or those of others, control gives us a sense of direction, of having influence on our world. But it’s false security. Nothing can ever be controlled. There is no way we can predict the course of a day, let alone of all days of all those people around us. Now…

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(Poem#6) Shattered Dreams

Shattered dreams

The dreams I had of you Lay shattered on the floor I smashed them into pieces When I finally saw clearly.   I thought I was nothing Insecure and afraid I believed you were perfect The flawless example for me to strive for.   I’d put you on a pedestal A ivory tower of ‘this is who I should be’ And I couldn’t stand beside you As I made myself small.   You didn’t make me to. You didn’t want me to.   But now I grow stronger Letting go of these shells that don’t fit anymore Letting go of the filters that color my sight Making me see That filter that consists of projections, assumptions and fear.   You’re…

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Your thoughts are lying to you – and 3 steps to break the pattern

Yout thoughts are lying to you - and three steps to break the pattern

It’s a Tuesday evening. I love to spend my Tuesday evenings in Amsterdam, in a club where they organize amazing barefoot dancing events. Since I come there quite often, I know a lot of the people. Lovely human beings, warm hearted, open and curious. Halfway the evening I see a friend leaving. I was dancing and he passed me by very closely, following his friend. Until that moment I felt great. But suddenly my thoughts go wild. “Why is he leaving without saying anything? He must not like me anymore! What did I do, was I unkind in some way?” My vibe changes. I had been feeling beautiful, open, warm and happy. But in a few seconds I felt insecure,…

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