B-SMART: A Tool for Navigating Edgy Spaces

B-SMART

  Navigating edgy spaces can be, well, edgy. Most of us grew learning very little about clear communication. Especially around intimacy. It seems to me often we’re almost secretly trying to approach someone. Because we’re afraid of rejection? Because we have no idea how to ask for what we want? There are many components to why communication around intimacy is not that easy. For people coming to my intimate spaces I’ve created an abbreviation: B-SMART. It covers all the basic information I found out I want to know before moving into any intimate interaction with another person. ⇝ We actually practice these conversations in my play parties, and though people fear their awkwardness, they often turn out to be the most…

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“Meditate every Day for Ten Minutes. Unless You have No Time…”

Riding with Benthe

  ‘Meditate ten minutes every day. Unless you’re busy. Then meditate an hour.’ It’s so easy to cut down on self-care, slowing down, you-time. Don’t. You’re the most important resource that you have. And even if you don’t have time: Stop. Take a deep breathe. Look at a tree, a plant in your office, or this photo. Put a hand on your hard. Take another deep breathe. Notice gravity. Feel your hand. Welcome back. Photo was taken last week horseriding in the Dutch jungle. Unfiltered in all possible ways.

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(Video) About Attracting Unavailable Partners

Availability

Attracting unavailable partners… It’s a pattern! I have written about it before: I’m so tired of attracting unavailable people. And also, what is emotional availability anyway? But: if there’s a pattern, there’s something to learn. What’s in this for me?

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Choose People Who Choose You

This image is the background of my WhatsApp conversations. ‘Choose People Who Choose You’, in big, fat, bold letters. It’s a constant reminder to myself to be me. It’s so easy to edit ourselves for the purpose of being liked. I guess it’s an implicit trait most of us have. We’re social beings, we need our herd, our tribe, to be safe and survive. So we need to be accepted, liked, or even loved. I have witnessed it in myself so often. I would walk into a room, and straightly adapt my words, posture, and behavior to the people I’m with. To a certain degree that’s beautiful, as respecting a culture or family habits. But it’s different when it takes…

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To the Men I Love

Dear Beloved,   Thank you for opening up to me For witnessing me in all that I am For your courage to open your heart and soul for me.   Our love may come in different shapes as friends or lovers – or something in between and it may change every day.   You’re not my partner As I am my own main ally I need to learn to hold myself When I’m celebrating and when I’m afraid.   Yes, I am desiring a King Someone to stand next to me and to sit on the throne that stands next to mine.   I dust it off every now and then, but I don’t rush to fill it as it…

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Today I choose to not be small

My love, Today I choose not to be small. I choose to unfold all the little parts of me that desire to stretch and come alive. My choosing does not mean you have to step aside, or make yourself small instead. No, my love. I’m asking you to stand beside me, with your arms open and your eyes clear. You see, me choosing not to be small has nothing to do with you. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong, too much, too little, or holding me back. Though you did so in the past. I guess I scared you. With this big heart, high amplitude emotions and a way of feeling deep. But you know, the world doesn’t need me to…

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(Video) The Patterns in Insecure Relating

Patterns in relating

The players may change, but the play stays the same. Have you ever noticed that? Even though you may be working on yourself, some patterns in your relationship game seen to stay. I’m mainly anxiously attached, with a wired-in fear of abandonment. During a week long retreat I was in, I got my patterns played out loud and clear. In my face.

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The Pain of Losing Presence

The Pain of Losing Presence

We live in a dual world. When we learn what it’s like to be received in full presence, we inherently also learn what it’s like when that full presence is gone. When this other, who is so present with you, suddenly is gone. Doesn’t show up. Breaks an agreement. Can’t see you fully. The pain that comes with that is huge. It reminds us of the original wound of separation that goes back to when we were inside a womb – or possibly before that. The pain that reminds us, maybe unconsciously, of the moments when we were fully depending on our caregivers, and they couldn’t be there every moment we needed them. As that’s pretty much impossible. And then,…

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(Video) Conscious Relationship Design: Conscious Completion

Exactly a year ago we met. It has been a deep and intense ride since, with so much love to share. Now we decide to let go. Of any labels, agreements or expectations. We have brought our deepest patterns to the surface, and now we both need a different stroke to dive deeper into those. And we’re letting each other go.

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