Out of all the things happening in the world right now, there is one thing I’m sure of, and that is I’m changing.
I finally cut my hair, I’m using different pronouns wherever it feels safe enough and fun. I dare to speak up when I don’t agree. I became more political and, all the deities and a full moon stand with me, I speak my boundaries. Where I used to be terrified of conflict in the past, I might ignite a fire or two because there is something I find worth talking about. The scariest thing is that it doesn’t scare me when people don’t like what I say, misinterpret my words, or don’t like me.
The other side to all those changes is that I kind of need to get to know myself anew. Where I learned to love all of me before, there are so many new aspects to embrace now. Radical self-love is a continuous process. Yet, there will be moments where change happens faster than this calibration of self-celebration. It reminds me of the times when I was pregnant. My body would change faster than my mind could keep up with. Even when my belly was sticking out forward more than I was wide, I would still manœuvre sideways through narrow spaces.
I’m noticing the criticism I have towards myself. The judgments towards places I haven’t learned to love yet. Of course, my speaking up or differences in opinions does make some people turn away, sometimes good friends. It’s fuel to the fire of self criticism.
When I’m in this flow, I notice more tension in my body. I notice more dark thoughts about myself, sometimes clearly in the foreground, more often as a mumbling panel of voices in the background, commenting my every action as they whisper to each other how stubborn, opinionated and harsh I am.
Noticing is half the work – as always. Taking in some lovely words from people I love and respect encourages. I slow down, and remind myself of my beautiful sides. The authenticity revealing itself in ever deepening ways, the drive and the strength to bring good things to the world, and a desire to live deep and loud.
I’m not writing this to receive confirmations. I’m writing this for those who are in similar processes.
We change. Sometimes things in our lives, whether only impacting our own life or the whole world, may catalyze fast paced changes. Those may be hard to keep up with, and if you’re like me, the process of keeping up comes with phases of self judgment and criticism.
Today and the next days I’m going to tell myself a few things I love about myself every day. Some traits, things I created, or positive changes I brought. To remind me I’m actually a pretty awesome being.