I think there is a thing we get twisted when it comes to receiving.
I meet many people who say they find it hard to receive, harder than giving. Giving comes easier, they say, as they know what to do and can be of service. But receiving is difficult, as it is for them, and are they allowed to just accept the gift and do nothing?
What I think we’ve got wrong, is the entanglement of the idea of receiving (something is a gift for you) versus dealing with the discomfort of the idea that something (a gift, touch, etc) is expected in return, in that moment or later.
Of course there are people for whom receiving is hard. There may be underlying beliefs of unworthyness, or trauma around touch. You may also have a body or nervous system that actually isn’t appreciating the gift, and your mind may try to overwrite that (i.e. you may unconsciously be crossing your own boundaries). Then, indeed, the receiving itself is hard.
Many of us have been raised with the idea that whatever is given, expects reciprocity in the form of something similar. I remember my grandmother saying after visits: ‘Come recollect the damage!’ as a way of inviting people to her place, and replace “the debt” in the form of tea and bisquits she was given by her offering something similar in return.
When you receive specific touch, like oral intimacy or a massage, can you relax in the moment, or are you thinking about the moment you will (have to) give the same thing back in return? The discomfort can be the pressure of having to perform to an at least equal standard, being stuck in the head around insecurities about giving, or relaxing until it is your turn.
I am part of this dynamic too. As a workshop facilitator I let people switch roles after most exercises. There are good reasons for that, mainly that I want people to experience both sides of a dynamic. But it may well increase the neural pathways that tell us that when we get someting, we have to reciprocate.
In this way of thinking, an inherent hierarchy is included. Receiving is valued higher than giving. It excludes the idea that the act of giving is nourishing and fulfilling for many – indeed, giving can be a form of receiving too! Permission to touch, the release of oxytocin, a mindful meditation.
So here is my challenge: the next time you feel uncomfortable when something is offered to you: is it really because receiving is hard, or are you already bracing for the discomfort of the anticipated return?