Some people are getting more confused about my love life than I do myself, it seems. I get that. There was a Viking, I was talking about monogamy, and now suddenly I profile myself as non-monogamous again. What is that about?
Partly that is about you reading and watching some of what I share, but not everything. There have been a video and several short writings where I told ‘the world’ about the nooks and crannies of my relationship status and yes, social media parameters may have skipped those for you. I also get how the love life of the more public people outside the ordinary spectrum is interesting to follow, and, the intellectual exhibitionist that I am, am happy to oblige.
So get your tea and popcorn, and get updated about who I sleep with!
(Spoiler alert: the answer to this implicit question often seems to disappoint people’s expectations/)
First things first: where did the mysterious Viking go?
Well, nowhere really.
The Viking is an incredibly beautiful human being with a heart of gold. We have been in a monogamish committed relationship for half a year. After a tumultuous time where my nervous system had a lot to endure from the unhealed wounds and projections of others as well as years of stretching my boundaries in non-monogamous constellations from a time where I couldn’t state my boundaries as clearly as I can now, I needed a break. I needed a grounded, trustworthy, absolutely safe, and caring human being to rest with, and that’s what I got. Just as he got what he needed, an amazing woman showing him his awesomeness.
For half a year we were both nourished in that relationship. Until we weren’t anymore. Less the age gap, but more a difference in where we both are on our paths of growth and exploration, made us decide to switch the labels from ‘partners’ to ‘friends’. We’re still in touch basically every day, we make pizza for my kids together, and we cuddle. There’s mutual support for whatever we are going through, and still, there’s love. I love him in my life, and not wanting to be partners doesn’t change that.
Am I mono or poly?
Good question. I ask myself very often.
And my truest answer is: I AM none of that. I am an explorer who always wants to explore deeper (get where my company name comes from?) The research set and setting for this research are not always the same. On the contrary: they differ constantly.
Right now I see few people. I haven’t had sex in weeks. Does that make me mono?
Next week I may see a bunch of people and have different dates. Does that make me poly?
I will go on holiday with my daughters and not focus on any relating at all. Does that make me asexual?
I have deeply realized that I have different needs and desires, with different people, in different moments of my life (or monthly cycle). And that’s okay.
Instead of trying to forge myself in a single box, I grant myself the ultimate freedom of changing my mind, as often as I like.
I am not pro or against monogamy, and I am not pro or against polyamory. I believe both, as long as chosen consciously and carried out ethically, are an amazing way of relating.
The Success of Relating
“Oh, I’m so sorry for you. Are you okay?”
This has been the most common response when I told people the label ‘relationship’ wasn’t applicable for me and the Viking anymore. The same happened when I separated from the two other primary partners I had in my life.
The response gives me mixed feelings.
I appreciate people caring about me and my wellbeing. At the same time, the question and expectation I am not okay, imply hardwired beliefs we carry around relating.
‘Happy single’ is a questioned phenomenon. Dating sites, cosmetics, and a lot of other industries are built towards people wanting relationships. Go to a restaurant alone (I dare you), and asking for a table for one will give you stares.
We are primed that marriage is the highest good of relating, and how many children dream of that day, supposed to be ‘the best day of your life’?
(Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against marriage, once again, when chosen consciously and ethically.)
I think it’s time that we change the idea of what makes a relationship successful.
“I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”
I have heard this sentence many times since breaking up with the Viking. It makes me want to scream: “IT DID WORK OUT!” It was exactly what I needed, what he needed. We had fun and enjoyed our connection (which we still do, by the way). Isn’t that the definition of a successful relationship?
We didn’t marry, and there won’t be a mayor congratulating us with our diamond wedding anniversary (isn’t that the crown upon the old beliefs or marriage and duration?) – but who cares?
Let us redefine the definition of success in relating. Not duration and marriage, but the growth and contentment of those involved, no matter the duration or official accreditation that is given.
So, coming back to the question of who I currently sleep with.
Short answer: my stuffed moose.
Long answer: I am a lot of time by myself. That could change any day, and it may not. I love the idea of being open and welcoming to people in my life. I function better when there is touch, intimacy, and sex in my life. It simply makes life more fun, I am more productive, more relaxed, and generally a more fun human being.
Before relating to The Viking, I was searching for a King, a primary partner to be with for a long time. I had the idea that would make my life better. Being with the Viking, I realized that that isn’t true at all for me. At least not now.
I thought I wanted to live together with a man. Maybe get married. And the truth is: my main focus is with my kids and providing a safe haven for them. I don’t like to live with another person. I love my own home, my freedom, and my explorations are far from done.
A romantic ideal had settled in my brain, and I got a fair reality check. This part didn’t have anything to do with The Viking at all – but with me.
Right now I feel a peacefulness I haven’t felt in a long time. I am super content where I am. I am not looking for a perfect partner. I am enjoying where I am, right at this moment of my life. It doesn’t mean I would not have space for a perfect match when it comes along. And I may change the entire design of my love life again then.
And for now, I am enjoying time with myself, time with my children, and time with my friends. I am semi-actively inviting dates in my life. I know ‘empty dating’, i.e. dating for sex, doesn’t fulfill me at all. I rather have connections that are intimate and deep, with different levels of sexuality, kink, touch, witchiness involved. I’d love to date women, or people with different cultural backgrounds, or non-binary people, or whoever ignites that spark of curiosity. I’m daring myself to let go of the idea that I have of who I should be dating. Widening my horizons. ‘When you do what you always did, you get what you always got’. Doing things differently is a great way to grow as a person.
And I am picky. It would be easy enough to go back to meeting people from an ‘I am lucky this person wants to see me and thinks I’m likable at all’, coming from many years of extreme insecurity. But some years ago I made a pact with myself: ‘I only want to hang out with people who make shared time better than time alone’.
Having sported a fear of abandonment for a long time, saying ‘no’ used to feel like the scariest and most extreme thing I could do. Now I have gotten better at it, although there is always space to improve.
So: fancy hanging out with me? Feel free to write me a detailed invitation, and be prepared to receive a ‘no, thank you’.