This week I’m spending time thinking about why my relationship with the Wizard feels increasingly secure (with moments where I do feel insecure), whereas in previous relationships the trend was often the other way.
So why is that? Here are some things I am noticing in this relationship:
– For me to feel safe, I need the other person to be impeccable with their honesty. To do what they say, to say what they do. That is not just about the big things like their interactions with others (in potential non-monogamous situations for example), but also in seemingly small things. To bring bananas when they promise
to. To call me when they will arrive earlier/later, etc.
– To mutually understand each other’s needs, even when they may feel silly or strange. A thing I need, for example, is to feel free to ask for reassurance. Even when I know the other person loves me, there are young parts of me that are not so sure. To be able to ask ‘What do I mean to you?’, or ‘Can you please tell me you love me?’. When my partner can meet that with patience and offer reassurance, it’s much easier for me to relax (and yes, I know there’s a fine line with codependency. This is about openly and honestly asking for a need, versus phishing for something with a hidden agenda).
– We are all wired differently. It helps me to consistently meet each other with curiosity. I like to call it ‘having my subtitles to how the other works’. It takes a few deep breaths to not take a certain response personally (‘I did something wrong’, with all the emotions following that as a result) but to understand the other person is using a different emotional/mental/verbal/… language.
– To ask myself: ‘What if they mean this well’? ‘What if this comes from a loving place?’ as well as imagining myself in their place. An anxious, trauma-wired brain is always looking for what is wrong. For the emergency signs. This comes along with a response of unease to quieter times in our relationship. Throughout my relational career, I learned that ‘love means to hurt, and hurt means to love’. It takes deep rewiring to relax in a calm situation. It’s unknown territory.
– Continuously investing in evolving my inner observer and parent. The last few intense emotional waves that I went through in solitude, besides the panicky voices there was a calm voice that guided me through. ‘Feel it all, I’m here. Let it move through you, and it will pass.’
There are more dynamics that we are figuring out. As I think we are not the only ones with these patterns, I’ll share some more in several posts.