Relationships are such an interesting place for research. With the Wizard, I am diving deep into the details of how an anxious/avoidant dynamic plays out for us.
Simplified: where the anxious-leaning partner needs proximity, the avoidant-leaning partner needs space. Of course, that’s a generalization, and an anxious person often has avoidant and secure aspects too, and vice versa.
I love how the Wizard says that, by gaining clarity of how the dynamics play out in our relationship, we get the opportunity to design how we fill in the space between us.
That space between two human beings. Sometimes it is more figurative, but maybe even more often it’s very literal. This week we figured out that, to feel close to him, I like to have my face near my partner’s body and his hand wrapped around my head. As I like that, I thought he must like that too – but his desires are different and he prefers more space.
It’s easy to project onto the other what *we* like, but they might need something else. What feels distant for us, may feel intimate for them.
I’m learning that what feels ‘distant’ to me, may be my attachment panic screaming. When I relax, I feel a relaxation that tells me I was working really hard to soothe the insecurity that I’m imagining, but that’s not needed. There *is* intimacy, and the distance is imagined, I can let go of the idea that his need for a little more space isn’t a rejection, but simply a different need.
There are more dynamics that we are figuring out. As I think we are definitely not the only ones with these patterns, I’ll share some more in several posts.
Photo of me in my happy place, with a whole bunch of horses close to my face