Am I really worthy taking this place? Am I good enough to hold my space on this ground? I might be bothering somebody, standing in their light and putting them in my shadow. Should I accept everything that is happening in my life? Or is it okay – maybe just as good – to walk away instead of staying? To say ‘stop’ instead of ‘welcome’?
I am playing with my answers to these questions. After many hours of tears, outbursts of overflowing love, anger and tears, my body surrenders and opens. It hurts. Physically and mentally. But underneath it is a stable foundation of trust and love, without conditions or conditionings.
After many hours of sharing words, awareness and presence, it finally dawned on me. On a very deep level, I have created crazy expectations of myself. In this process of self-growth, letting go, becoming more conscious and aware, I found a new goal to strive for: to become completely transparent.
I told myself that I should accept everything and everyone. I should not be emotional because of the actions of other persons. Since everybody is like a mirror, all the triggers they’d trigger in me were my problem. I should solve them. I should be okay with their every action. I should welcome each person in my life. If a beloved would do things that wouldn’t resonate with me, it would be up to me to deal with it – and keep allowing it in my life. Because if it triggers me, I need to work on it. I’d judge myself for my opinions or feelings about others.
In other words: I felt like I should be a shining light, transparent, welcoming everything and everyone on each moment, despite of their actions or my feelings towards them.
This morning I was looking at myself as I idealized it: open, tolerant and numb. Completely brain dead. Breathing through life, without living. Accepting without self respect. What happened?
Because I stopped expressing what I wanted. I stopped taking care of my space. I stopped recognizing my desires. I stopped feeling what I wanted. I didn’t set any borders. I made no requests. I wasn’t living.
And I realised that was not my future self. This was a new way of departing from The Real Life.
No matter what you believe, this is a human experience. A human experience includes all the rawness of emotions, the mind that creates stories, expectancies, judgments, fear and pain. And you know what? We’re here to learn. In each situation we can do two things based on love: welcome the situation or say ‘No, thank you’. There’s a whole bunch of choices based on fear: procrastination, tolerance, running away etc.
I want to make decisions based on love. I convinced myself that living from love meant accepting everything and everyone into my life. Now I realize that’s not what I want. I promised myself that I will be more honest with myself. To dig deeper into the “Is this what I want?” If there is anything other than a “Hell yes!” I will inquire myself what it is that I want. Why do I hesitate? Is this something I really want, but maybe I’m too shy to speak up? Or maybe – maybe – I’m telling myself that is is what I should want… while in fact my heart tells me something different…
Can you say “No” from your heart? Can you tell yourself and the people around you what you really want and desire?