Do you know that song from Depeche Mode? Maybe put it on while you watch at the photos in this blog post…
I’ve been going through a time of major changes lately. Having an open relationship confronts me with my fears and insecurities daily. Do I still believe it’s worth going through all this? Yes. Would I want to go back to a monogamous relationship? Definitely not.
I found out there is so much old pain and fear hidden in me. I never really loved myself. I never really looked into the mirror and loved the person I saw. Only now I’m letting go of all this shields and defenses, I can find the sparkling diamond within. And I’m loving the person I find there very much.
The changes I experience do not come from interactions with others. They come from within me. Only because I can finally truly start to love, trust and appreciate myself, I find myself having connections that are amazing. I attract wonderful people who show me love, appreciation and deep friendship. The animals I’m having healing sessions with allow me nearer. My kids are happier and relaxed. My love and I… we are closer than ever before.
Not everyday is easy. I’ve been crying, hyperventilating, coughing, shouting, all muscles in my body contracted without control. But after each emotional burst I feel better. My shoulders, neck and back are not so tensed anymore. I feel taller. I stand straight. I feel beautiful, proud, loved, happy. I see it in the way people interact with me: I’m doing good. There’s no reason at all to hide myself away from the world. I’m totally worth being loved!
I try to create as much me-time as I need. One way of helping myself doing that is by going for a long walk on my own each week. Today I did a 12K walk at ‘Landgoed Beerschoten’ near Utrecht in The Netherlands. Let me show you the world in my eyes with some photos I took and some reflections I wrote down while walking…
To be given freedom is one thing. To allow yourself to receive it, to take it and to own it… it’s something totally different.
My partner always allowed me to take time for myself, but I hardly ever could take it. I felt guilty towards him and my kids not to stay with them. I felt my past pushing projections towards me. Now I realize I make everybody happier by being happy myself. And I’m way happier when I take time for myself and go for long walks!
Finally I can feel pretty. Finally I can feel beautiful. I wanted to take a photo of myself, just to remember how I felt today. Beautiful, loved, happy, whole.
Because I open my heart for others, others open their hearts for me. I’m so thankful for all the connections in my life!
I freakin’ love trees. I totally do 🙂