It seems that polyamory often goes with the prejudice that the reason for being polyamorous is the freedom to be sexually active in a liberal way. You’re polyamorous? You must be into sex big time.

The connection between polyamory and sex

I’m living in a polyamorous way for a while now. Was the reason for me to open up the relationship I had primarily based on my sexual desires?

I have to disappoint you here. It wasn’t.

Didn’t it even play a small role? It did. My partner at the time and I were a bit disappointed that now we’ve found each other, we were expected to never kiss, cuddle or make love with another person for the rest of our entire lives. We both didn’t have that much experience with others, and speaking for myself, most of the experience I did have wasn’t so nice at all. Yes, I was curious about having sex with others and the thought of being able to freely feel this desire made (and makes) me very happy. I know that I have the full freedom to explore what I want to experience and find the right people for it.

The main reason for me to open up my relationship though, was for reasons of self-growth.

Sex as a personal growth experience

My life is based on personal growth. Getting to know myself better, stretching the borders of my comfort zone, creating a life that is becoming more amazing with each day is what really turns me on. Being afraid or insecure is not something I try to avoid. It’s more like the opposite: being scared or insecure means that there is a lesson to be learned. A belief to let go of. An inner child to be hugged.

I love to find out which actions can help me grow. For example, when I realized that I was very insecure about my body, I started going dancing on my own and try to see myself through the eyes of others. I noticed that when I was feeling shy, the people liked me. I noticed that when I was feeling open, the people liked me. I noticed that when I told the people I liked honestly I thought they were amazing; they responded to me that they thought I was awesome. I learned to like me and to appreciate the package I’m wrapped in.

When I became aware that I was afraid of letting people come close both physically and emotionally (one of both is easier), I started to hug my friends. I learned that I could touch the people I loved without being afraid of being hurt.

In the same way sex can be an amazing growth opportunity. When you have trouble letting go of control, d/s play could be a helpful (and pleasant) way to learn to let go of control in a safe way. But what if d/s really attracts you and you’re partner is insecure about his sexuality or not into d/s? Finding another compatible partner to explore your sexuality with can be a transformative experience for your inner processes.

Are you spiritual and very much into feeling energies? Tantra is an amazing way of physically connecting. Tantra includes much more than sex by the way. What if your partner is more the physical-kinda-bouncer and not into the airy-fairy stuff? Should you just forget about it?

Bringing new experiences into your existing relationship

Long term relationships are known for becoming boring. Especially inside the bedroom. Year in, year out the same routine of positions and actions. Maybe you are an adventurous couple and you’ve tried some toys, but what I hear from a lot of people is that they miss the arousal they felt in the beginning.

Polyamory gives you the opportunity to fall in love with other people and be intimate with them. You know what increases your desire for having sex? Having sex! Can you imagine what happens with your existing relationship when you fall in love with someone else and have sex with this person? You will go back home, full of lust-hormones, butterflies in your stomach and never-ending energy, and jump your partner.

Besides the new energy you put into your existing relationship, you will also gain new experiences and bring them back home. You might discover new techniques, positions or whole new ways to approach sex with other people. Bringing these things back into your existing relationship can really spice things up for both of you.

Abundant sex is sexy

What is the most scary thing I can imagine? Giving my partner his freedom. I can hold him close by enforcing the conditioning that he has to be faithful to me by not having physical connections with others. I could even marry him as a sign that he is now ‘my husband’. My property. It’s a relationship based on fear.

When I let go of the fear-based boundaries of our relationship and give him the freedom to explore whatever connection he builds with another woman, there is no need for him to stay with me because ‘he should’. The only reason for him to stay with me is because he really wants to be with me.

I have the liberty to connect with other people whenever and how I like. That means I don’t have to stay with him on reasons based on scarcity. ‘If I want sex I need him to be willing to have sex with me.’ If I want sex I could just find someone who’s willing to have sex with me. Considering the population density in The Netherlands that shouldn’t be a tough job. Instead I’ll have sex with my partner because I want to have sex with my partner. I freely choose to spend time and have sex with my partner and not because I’m not allowed to fulfill my desires anywhere else. Can you imagine anything more sexy than a person who totally freely chooses to be with you? It makes me feel very special and desired.

Do I recommend using polyamory to spice up your sex life?

A polyamorous relationship boosts your sexuality. You will learn new things and bring renewed energy into your existing relationship. Would I recommend opening up your relationship in order to give your sex life a boost?


Please, never let sex be the main reason for starting a polyamorous relationship. If you want to have sex with others, try swinging together. Swinging is having sex with other people without further commitment, usually practiced as a couple.

Polyamory is so much more than having sex with multiple partners. When your partner is with someone else, you are very likely to be challenged by being afraid he likes that other person more than he likes you, he will leave you, he doesn’t like you, feelings of jealousy, sadness and much more. You have to be willing to face into the mirror that is held up for you, and realize these feelings come from within you. He does love you, but you don’t love yourself enough to understand it. He doesn’t like her better than you. She can teach him different things. It’s not a race of who is the best. The different connections are just different.

When you are willing to dive deep into your fears and insecurities, you will learn to let them go. It will help you to become more you, more centered, loving, fearless and happy.

Polyamory is much more than being a sexual person. To me, polyamory is part of a life style of personal growth. A path of love, letting go, being in the moment and enjoying life to the fullest. Now that’s what makes my sexuality flourish.

Do you (and your partner/s) want support and personal guidance on your path in non-monogamy or other aspects of your life? I am worldwide available for coaching sessions, talking e.g. about challenges, what to do when your needs and desires differ, or how to deal with jealousy and fear. Contact me for more information and booking your session.

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