I’ve come to realize something very important: I’m not Wonder Woman. I’m no superhero. I really thought I had to be. I thought I had to be the perfect partner, the perfect mother, the perfect friend, the perfect daughter, the perfect self-employed, the perfect lover, the perfect cleaner, the perfect adviser… the perfect me. And even though I experienced every day that it’s quite impossible to do everything I wanted to, I still tried. I pushed myself way over my limits to do what I thought I had to do.
‘If you do too much, just do less.’ Right. But I couldn’t see clearly what was taking all of my time and more difficult: what things could I drop? Everything I do is important and if I don’t do them, nobody else will.
So I made a list of all the things I do in a week and estimated how much time those things took. It appears that without even a minute of me-time or time to relax, I would need way more hours than exist within a week to do everything on my list. No wonder I was feeling so tired and emotional lately!
Cancel, prioritize and optimize
What activities take most of my time in a week besides sleeping? That’s easy: time spent working. Or, putting it differently, time I believe I should be working, put myself behind a computer screen and procrastinate the pants off of me. Which again is time-taker #2: surfing the internet, checking Facebook or watching series.
When I’m having a rough time with myself, it’s such an easy distraction to mind other people’s business. But putting energy into their lives won’t help either you or them. Watching a soap opera takes your mind of your worries, but does it solve the things you worry about? Will your feelings of insecurity reduce or will you feel rested when you know all about the overcomplicated lives of fictional characters? Will you really benefit from knowing all the whereabouts of your close and not-so-close friends?
Procrastination and distraction, my favorite solutions for not dealing with things I find scary or difficult. But no matter how long I postpone things or how much I try to take my mind from them; they keep existing until I deal with them.
So why not get over myself, do what I need to do and earn a whole lot of me-time as a reward? Sounds great, doesn’t it?
My plan is to work 2-3 hours in the morning when it’s pretty quiet in the house. No distractions. No social media. No e-mail. No phone. I’ll make a clear and realistic plan of the things I want to get done and stick to it. Do I finish earlier? Great! More me-time. Not getting everything done? Make a more realistic planning or work more efficient.
A clean house
Housekeeping… Having three little kids is a guarantee for a quite messy home. When I finish cleaning on one side of the house, the other side already looks like it desperately needs cleaning again. I catch myself getting annoyed by the mess often. The solution for now: once a week Seb will take the girls and go somewhere, so I have time and space to clean the house. The rest of the week I’ll consider as a great opportunity to practice letting go. Be aware that things are as they are. My feelings of annoyance are nothing but emotions I’ve attached to that situation. Mess is nothing but mess. It’s not there to annoy me or make me angry. It just is. So let me try to disconnect any emotions from that event.
I have the most amazing Super Hot and Incredibly Inspiring Boyfriend with whom I live together and have three sweet little girls with. That’s Seb. I think nobody ever taught me so much. He also confronts me with many of my fears. He knows who I am and he sees who I could be. That creates expectations. It’s not so much about his expectations of me, rather the expectations I expect him to have of me. Those expectations I expect him to have are often based on the beliefs I have. Beliefs I need to be perfect… old patterns from the past. Paradigms. Women need to take care of kids and the house and the cooking and making sure everything is packed for trips…. I’ve created a lot of pressure I wasn’t even aware of. By being aware the expectations around me are merely created by myself, the solution is also within me. I can observe my thoughts and feelings without judging them and decide whether to act upon them or breathe deeply and let the thoughts go.
Introducing my Very Cute and Amazing Poly Boyfriend
During a night out on my own, I saw this man and I immediately felt like our souls were connected on a deep level. I just had to give him a hug, which was a mutual very much enjoyed moment. That’s how my Very Cute and Amazing Poly Boyfriend entered my world. Let’s call him Vince (No, he’s not on Facebook and even Google won’t find him. And yes, he does exist :)). He doesn’t live too far away which makes it pretty easy to see each other about weekly. I love spending time with him. It feels like refueling on energy. I feel so relaxed when I’m with him. I can be myself completely, without masks or any insecurity.
Why is it so easy with Vince and why is it so difficult at home? First of all: Vince doesn’t have any expectations of me. He just enjoys every moment we share. Second and way more important: I don’t have any expectations of myself when I’m with him. I’m fully present in the moment without worrying about anything.
What a great opportunity I have here to experience how life can be every minute of the day when I let go of all the expectations I have of myself!
Like in many processes, the solution is all about letting go. Letting go of expectations I expect others having of me, including my own expectations of myself.
What expectations do you have of yourself?