Healing myself – part 1 and 2

It feels like I’m going through all my chakras to really clear them up from all deep pain and hurt that is still there.

Last week on Wednesday Seb and I had our first fight. It was about a misinterpretation of how much we’d tell each other about our openness in relationships. We had an argument but talked things over during the next days and eventually came out stronger than before.

But our fight also opened a well of fear. I cried and cried. I felt so unsafe and sad. It was like a major fear from the past wasd triggered. All of a sudden I felt like the little girl in the situations I always had to deal with in the past. I felt like the one who did everything wrong, who deserved to be punished. I could punish myself, lock myself up, flee somewhere in my mind. Frustration, anger and negativity surrounded me. I wanted to escape, hid in my room, my safe haven. I would even fold myself under my desk to really feal safe and hidden.

I felt that pain again. My soul was hidden somewhere far away. When my boyfriend would approach me I could only cry, my body trembling heavily from top to toe.

For over a day I felt like that, I couldn’t let it go. But I felt I had a choice.

On Thursday I went to my meditation class. We worked on cleansing the chakras, I could see my root chakra spinning like a crazy whirlwind. I worked on it, calmed it down and making it circle in a slower pace. My second chakra was a mess too. A healthy chakra is shaped like a smooth sphere. My chakra looked wobbly and deformed. I couldn’t fix it completely, but it was a lot smoother after the cleansing.

Friday I felt like I could choose between keeping and nourishing the fear, or starting to let go of the fear slowly. I realized the fear I felt was something from my past. It was the fear of a lonely child.

On Saturday I went to biodanza. Biodanza is a kind of barefoot intuitive dancing where you earn to be inside your body. Where you connect with your own soul and with the souls of others. You learn to allow another beautiful being to come real close, or as far as you allow them to come – to set your boundaries. All of that in a warm, safe place where people won’t push you over your limits. I really love these workshops. I’ll dance until my feet hurt, until I’m out of breath. And I’ve met wonderful people that I can allow to get real close. To hold each other, laugh and cry together. And heal each other, without words.

This night it was so special! All the things our teacher said were perfect. She told us about choosing to live your life for your true self. Making your own choices, not the choices other people might want you to make. She told us about love. How we all wish to receive love.

There was a lot of hugging, holding and caressing each other. I felt showered with love. I felt my heart didn’t close because of the fear I felt. It was still open. To me that was such a relief. Even when I face my biggest fears, I can still choose to keep my heart open. I danced with open arms, feeling my heart chakra open, grow and glow. I could see how open I was in peoples reactions. They watched me, wanted to dance with me, hug me, say nice things, smile, flirt a bit… it was SO amazing.

The first chakra is all about feeling safe. Feeling loved, protected and taken care of. It’s about primary needs. By working on the fears I experienced as a child I was healing my first chakra.

In one week time I felt all the pain I experienced as a child again. I cried many tears again. And I released so much of that pain. I finally dare to see how much I was looking for love, how much I wanted to be held and hugged. To really feel loved.

I now that I am still that child, looking for love. I want to be hold and hugged. But no longer I need to find just any person for doing that, as I did in the past.

I would throw myself into the arms of any guy that was interested in me, just to confirm to myself that there are people who liked me. But I wasn’t strong enough to respect my boundaries. I was afraid to push people away. I was afraid to do it all wrong, as I was told so often. So I let things happen that I didn’t want to happen.

Sometimes I would really like someone. I could get a little flirty. Have nice conversations, become friends. But as soon as he responded to my signals of interest in the slightest way, I would run, unable to keep the close friendship. I’d feel terrified and hide away in my safe place.

When I met Seb, I tried to escape many times. He accepted my fear. He only said to me that he would run with me if I escaped and fled. We talked about my fears for hours. He held me when I was in tears for days. I faced many of my fears and released them. We’re together now for 5 years and 3 kids. There are many times where I have to face my fears. I’m not free yet. I still feel like my soul is caged by old fears and limiting beliefs.

That’s where I am now, chakra 2 stuff. Chakra 2 is about emotions, sensuality, sexuality, feeling the flow and letting go. When people come physically close, when a situation turns sensual, I often go to a safe place in my mind, as I used to do. If I couldn’t be strong enough to get my body out of the situation I got myself into, than at least I could get my mind out of it. I would and will freeze. My body is there, but my soul isn’t. When something unexpected happens or when I feel like losing control of the situation, I get tensed. If things move too fast, I can freak out. I walk away and cry.

I feel like I need to re-create the connection between my body and soul. To really respect myself for who I am but also for the boundaries that I have and wish to respect.

I have made steps by opening my heart to connect with people on a deep level and by going to Biodanza-workshops. But it has been long enough. I want to go all the way. I’m ready and willing to face my cage. I want to touch every little part of it. Cry every single tear that builds it. Until finally I can spread my wings that have been folded for so long.

I have collected all my old diaries, letters and other stuff. I want to read all of them once again, with the experience and wisdom of the person I am now. I will read them from a distance and cherish, love and hold the girl who wrote and drew the things I’ll see. I’ll tell her how special she is. That she doesn’t need to pretend to be someone she isn’t in order to be loved. That she is worth loving just the way she is. That she’s perfect.

I allow myself to ask for help and, more important, to be able to receive it. Some amazing people entered my reality and they offer me their help spontaneously, or they help me by just being there. Without being aware of how much their presence means to me, they fill me with love. This time I’m not turning away. I receive their gifts with my arms wide open. The most beautiful thing about being able to receive is there’s not one person helping the other, but a synergy of energies creating an atmosphere of love and appreciation that is healing to us all.

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