CW: sexual harm
I’m going through a phase of pretty rough emotions linked to people close to me. Besides dealing with the emotions connected to the situation at hand, it also brings up memories.
Memories of relationships in which agreements were broken. Of sabotaging the connection. Of being abandoned and betrayed by close friends as a teenager. Of being a secret, invisible, unwelcome.
As I woke up again this morning with contractions and fear in my whole body, other memories came up. There are two specific events in my life where a man used my body regardless of my ‘no’, and without caring about me. Walking away without looking back when they were done.
Their actions had a huge impact on my young sexual life – which was already compromised by my earlier days (culture, standards, imposed ideas, punishments). It took work to learn not to freeze in sexual interactions (which I often did until my late twenties). It took longer to find joy in sex.
It seems to be only now that I realize why I still sometimes freeze in close interactions. And that when I feel the feelings I feel now (unsafety, fear, insecurity), I contract when I think about letting people (physically) close (again). In those moments I believe the other goes for what they need regardless of what I need, even if I am right there with them (or not – the feelings also come when they are with others), even though I think they care.
It’s a painful realization. Maybe the more, knowing that the people who were part of instilling this pain in my system never took responsibility. Not the two men who walked away, not the ones who came later. With some I tried to have the conversations, but there was no space.
The way to heal is countering the negative experiences with positive ones. And that means taking the risk of having another negative experience as you never know in advance how things will work out. The best is designing experiences that are not too far outside of your comfort zone, so your nervous system isn’t stretched too far or too long. So your body, mind, and soul experience they can move through this, that they are held and cared for in the process, by yourself and those involved.
And sometimes it’s not possible to design gentle experiences and you find yourself thrown in the deep end. If that’s you, please be gentle with yourself. Take deep breaths with sounds on the exhale. Move your body. Be so so gentle with yourself.
Moving through harm, trauma, and pain is a long and winding road that needs all your kindness.
