Have you ever realized that most of us feel both too much and not enough at the same time?
Too loud, too present, too quiet, too fat, too small, too shy. not good enough, not loved enough, not smart enough, not fast enough, not rich enough.
Yes, they are different sides of the same medal of self-judgment, although they tend to have different results. Feeling too much results in hiding, while feeling not enough results in over-acting. We try to compensate what we believe how the outer world experiences us. That’s called projection. We project an image of ourselves onto others, and, while we’re doing this anyway, also assume they will have a certain reaction towards us.
We think we will be too much in the eyes of others. We think we’re not good enough in the eyes of others.
But where do we base these projections and assumptions on? Most certainly not on what pothers really think of us.
Let me challenge you: the next time you think you are too much or not enough in company: ASK THEM. Ask them what they think of you in this moment, it will give you interesting and probably surprising feedback.
Beware of this catch though: they will respond from their own set of beliefs about themselves. That person that believes you are too loud probably is afraid to speak up himself.
So what’s left that is true then? Beyond all those stories and judgments we create about ourselves and others: what is real?
I found three answers so far.
The only cure to stepping out of the traps of not enough and too much, is – as I see it – loving yourself ridiculously and unconditionally. Being honest with yourself about what you like and don’t like about yourself.
Yes, I might talk too much when I feel insecure. And I love myself.
Yes, I still might think my belly is too big. And I love myself.
Can you open your heart for yourself in the first place, and for the rest of the world in the second place? Can you see the little child inside you that longs to feel safe?
Because that’s where it all comes back to: we don’t feel safe in our lives, and our minds try to find the reason why we don’t feel safe. Receiving love, approval and affection make us feel safe. So when we don’t get (enough of) it, what do we do wrong?
When we were young, there were moments that our parents couldn’t be there for us. Kids put their parents on a pedestal. Parents are always right. So we must be the problem. What can we do to get back the love, approval and appreciation?
Change. Find out where we are too much or not enough, and change until our parents see us again.
And so the patterns come into existence.
But it was never our fault to begin with. We are not our beliefs and stories. We are what is beyond: nothing, everything, love.
Be the spectator of your mind. Let it try to manipulate you into a mold. But realize that that is a mold. And a mold will keep you small and immobile. How could you grow, how could you dance?
Try it. Watch yourself and the thoughts that come. They are like cute little clouds in a blue sky. When you observe them, they will simply float by. But when you hold them and feed them, they will become heavy with rain and thunder, until they can’t contain it and pour it all down on you. The sun is still there. Love is still there, but you can’t see it anymore. But when you don’t resist the little clouds, they will move away, evaporate by the power of the sun.