Maybe you are like me. I always felt a lot, not sure where all these sensations came from I could feel overwhelmed often and easily. Feeling shy was a good mechanism to protect myself from opening too much and feeling even more.
And now, many years later, I feel even more.
Give me a room full of people and I can tell you exactly where everyone is at. I can tell you where it hurts and why it contracts and why you are afraid.
All these processes of shedding layers of protection mechanisms and ego strategies, of getting to know my monthly cycles and emotional waves, of balancing my introvert and extravert, of checking in with sisters and holding myself.
The more the real and raw parts of me emerge, the more I seem to feel.
The feeling becomes so much sometimes, that I become afraid that all these feelings are a burden to others. All these tears and cries and hysterical laughter. The triggers and the diving deep into the why.
Who would want to deal with that?
I call myself dramatic and overly emotional and shut down some of the feeling and it feels bad.
That’s not me.
So I invite myself to open up again, not hide the feeling and show it to the people around me.
Let it be a sieve. A mechanism that filters who can be with me and hold space for all the feeling with me.
I tell myself.
Let them run if my sadness becomes too much or when they get impatient because I need some time to listen to my belly before I can answer. Let them hide if my fury becomes overwhelming.
But for those who stay… for those who stay…
There’s and unimaginable amount of love and generosity, because as I’m not holding back on my feelings, I’m not holding back on love either.
There is endless acceptance and holding space for all that you feel. Because I know.
And it’s scary.
To live so vulnerably open in a world where there’s so much to feel.
To choose to open up when I don’t know what will happen.
To breathe when my body holds still.
Because I know it will invite more feeling. And feeling doesn’t label. It doesn’t filter between the fun and not so much fun sensations to be felt. Either I numb or I feel. And when I feel it can become a lot.
Yes. So alive. Feeling the connectedness and seeing the patterns. Feelings aren’t personal. It’s a response to what is happening and when we clear our channels we become these wide open funnels for feeling even more, for conducting and conceiving and transmutating and all that. All those feelings that were never felt in us, our mothers and fathers and all we never knew.