How when changing the patterns around me, the results become different. Of course.
Different input (by conscious choice) creates a different output.
But the brain! My mind says: “It’s different, which is not the usual pattern, which means whatever is happening is wrong!”
I have worked hard to break through the pattern of attracting avoidant men, which mainly was breaking through the safety-measurements I took to keep a safe distance from intimacy (because avoidant/unavailable men will never come completely close, supporting my fear of intimacy, and we both felt comfortable yet unfulfilled – and often easily triggered as this anxious/avoidant dynamic creates very little safety).
But then, when this pattern breaks, and I decide that I actually want love close, and available love becomes available without much distance…
I get avoidant. Everything in my tried to get back to that status-quo of a safe distance from love. That same distance that I wanted to eliminate. My nervous system feels the terror of change and proximity of the other.
And so it creates stories. Again and again. All versions of a narrative of ‘he’s not good enough’.
So what do I do?
I sit back, breathe, and enjoy the show. I remind myself that I am breaking through old patterns and my system is panicking because of new results that are not in line with past results. The factory alarm is ringing as the product isn’t a blind copy of the previous versions of this prototype called ‘intimacy’.
I check in with my heart: ‘Are you still open? Is this the love and the partner you desire to receive?’
Whenever that answer is yes I trust I’m in the right place, and the rest is simply a process of alignment to new parameters and building trust in letting love come close.