For many years, I believed being “too much” was my problem. Whether it was a desire for more intimacy, s/x, extra time together, or additional cuddles, I thought the issue was solely with me. I considered the other person’s pace, intensity, and quantity the neutral standard, measuring myself against them and viewing my needs as excessive.
Recently, I spoke with a loved one who shared that sometimes needing more space, less touch, or silence made them feel like they were “not enough.” This made me realize how easily we can slip into a dynamic where differing needs make someone feel at fault.
I like to challenge this too much/too little value system.
When two people have different needs in terms of intensity, frequency, or other preferences, it’s simply a difference—nothing more. The chance that two people want the exact same thing in the exact same amount is quite small. Neither wanting less nor wanting more is wrong; it’s just a variation in needs.
And these differences don’t always need to be erased. I view it as a meaningful challenge in my relationships: Can we embrace our differing desires? Where can we bridge them, where is one generously willing to meet the other, and when can we come up with creative solutions that make us both feel met?