After more than 7 years in all kinds of relationship constellations, devoting big chunks of my time to relationship dynamics, attachment patterns, and coaching numerous people: how do I feel about non-monogamy?
It is often said about falling in love: the butterflies are a hormone induced crazy fling where we project all kinds of things onto another human being. Things that we either recognize in ourselves and desire more of, or things that seem the opposite of things in ourselves we desire to get rid off. And it makes sense. Tonight, we celebrated Sinterklaas, a Dutch national festivity where children get gifts from an imaginary Saint (which is the foundation of the story around Santa Claus). Me, my three daughters and their father. Someone I used to be in a relationship with for nine years. Once, we thought the other person was the most amazing person in the world. Finally someone who…
You always have a right to set boundaries. Always. I notice how easy I still step into a pattern of believing I have no right to set boundaries because I believe I’m in no position to have boundaries. For example when I’m someone’s lover, besides a primary partner. I believe I can’t have boundaries towards him (or her) because that’s only between them. Or when I’m with my children, as I want to hear their voice too (and preferably make everyone happy, which is impossible I found out through experience over the last decade) because I believe I should always be available. Or when I’m not in a relationship with someone anymore, as we’re now ‘uncoupled’…
Exactly a year ago we met. It has been a deep and intense ride since, with so much love to share. Now we decide to let go. Of any labels, agreements or expectations. We have brought our deepest patterns to the surface, and now we both need a different stroke to dive deeper into those. And we’re letting each other go.
I let him go. I had never been loved this much by anyone in my life, and yet I let him go. I had no choice. My nervous system was having a way harder time than I desired, and the longer we were together, the less relaxed I felt about our relationship. Was it me? Was this then the final conclusion I’m not suited for non-monogamy or any way of relating for that matter? Was I an overly dramatic woman unable to deal with anxiety issues? Was it him? Was he lacking in stepping up? Did he need to grow balls and become a real man, able to love a wild woman? It’s Always Two Playing that Game When it…
The deeper we love, the deeper love will touch us. It is as incredible as it sounds, though not always easy. As love tears down everything in its way to loving more, all our deepest stories, pain, fear and insecurity is revealed in the wake of unleashing bliss. And not just our own! All that which our ancestors carry, what’s engraved in our collective past and present, It’s all right here, right now. So beware, when you open your heart wider than before, That more love than you can imagine will pour in, And your senses sensitize As there’s no right or wrong, desired or undesired on our inner landscape, just simple aliveness, It all becomes stronger. More. Deeper. Become…
Although there are several shapes of relationships (marriage, dating, polyamory, polygamy) they still seem to be holding on to a fixed construct. Does that make sense, as we are ever-evolving and growing? And: a personal relationship update.
In any human dynamic, certain patterns will come up. And those patterns will influence how you feel and how you act. It’s a thing: people with a fear of abandonment attract people with a fear of commitment. This is the anxious/avoidant dynamic we sometimes speak about. Is it possible to avoid this trap, or heal it when we’re in it?
In any human dynamic, certain patterns will come up. And those patterns will influence how you feel and how you act. Where do you base your boundaries and desires upon? And what to do when yours are different than those of your partner?
Being real about relating: sharing openly about my relationship with David, the patterns, the pitfalls, the victories. We all want to feel safe. But do you actually know when you feel safe? And when there are many voices/characters in your head: who’s right? What’s true?
