B-SMART: A Tool for Navigating Edgy Spaces

B-SMART

  Navigating edgy spaces can be, well, edgy. Most of us grew learning very little about clear communication. Especially around intimacy. It seems to me often we’re almost secretly trying to approach someone. Because we’re afraid of rejection? Because we have no idea how to ask for what we want? There are many components to why communication around intimacy is not that easy. For people coming to my intimate spaces I’ve created an abbreviation: B-SMART. It covers all the basic information I found out I want to know before moving into any intimate interaction with another person. ⇝ We actually practice these conversations in my play parties, and though people fear their awkwardness, they often turn out to be the most…

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(Video) About Attracting Unavailable Partners

Availability

Attracting unavailable partners… It’s a pattern! I have written about it before: I’m so tired of attracting unavailable people. And also, what is emotional availability anyway? But: if there’s a pattern, there’s something to learn. What’s in this for me?

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(Video) Attraction

Attraction

We all know the commercial form of attraction where we stand frozen, blown away by the magnificence of the other. Or love at first sight. But are that all the flavors of attraction? And what does that attraction that comes with so much firework actually mean?

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(Video) Experiences in Non-Monogamy: Finding myself as a Secure Center

Open relating can be an escape from exploring deeper within (I wrote about it on my blog, just do a search for ‘polyamory’ on my website) – connecting with many can be an escape from facing fears. But connecting with multiple people can also be a deep dive into creating a more secure attachment system. A sharing of my current personal explorations.

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To the Men I Love

Dear Beloved,   Thank you for opening up to me For witnessing me in all that I am For your courage to open your heart and soul for me.   Our love may come in different shapes as friends or lovers – or something in between and it may change every day.   You’re not my partner As I am my own main ally I need to learn to hold myself When I’m celebrating and when I’m afraid.   Yes, I am desiring a King Someone to stand next to me and to sit on the throne that stands next to mine.   I dust it off every now and then, but I don’t rush to fill it as it…

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(Video) It’s Okay to Ask for Confirmation

I believe it’s okay to ask confirmation from people when you feel insecure. Here are two reasons why.

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(Video) The Patterns in Insecure Relating

Patterns in relating

The players may change, but the play stays the same. Have you ever noticed that? Even though you may be working on yourself, some patterns in your relationship game seen to stay. I’m mainly anxiously attached, with a wired-in fear of abandonment. During a week long retreat I was in, I got my patterns played out loud and clear. In my face.

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(Video) The Response of my Fearful Nervous System to Safety

Fearful nervous system

The desire for feeling safe with other people is a very legitimate desire, and an antidote to the sometimes obsessive quest for facing fears, and challenging ourselves way beyond our comfort zone. But what happens when a nervous system that is wired in a sensitive way, and used to creating unsafe situations, is faced with safety? A very personal case study.

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(Video) The Fine Line Between States

When are we avoiding, and when are we learning to show boundaries? When are we controlling, and where are we being clear with our desires? When are we facing our fears, and when are we pushing ourselves too much? When are we learning, and when are we surviving? It’s such a fine line between both, and frankly: often both options are true (and false) in the same moment. So how do we know where we are?  

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