You cannot think your way out of trauma.
I often meet people who think ‘they should be over this by now’ or try to rationalize their way through hurt. It seems to be a topic that comes to the surface in relationships, whether monogamous or non-monogamous (although in the latter these things surface faster in my experience).
And I am definitely a person in that group who wants to outthink pain. I can judge my nervous system for activating over actions people close to me take, or my expectations of what they might do. There is this hyperalert scanning device constantly looking for danger.
Over the years and the relationships certain installed sensitivities have grown and others were created in pretty traumatic experiences (including being in toxic relationships and hanging out in a high-pressure cult).
Thing is: the pain created in connection, can only heal in connection. The thinking part of the brain is poorly/not connected to the parts of the brain that deal with emotions and the body. And so: activation (fight/flight/freeze etc) can happen in the body/emotions. The thinking brain wants to make sense of it and connects a story – and likely wants to move away from the intense sensations. By thinking. And it cannot.
I believe creating ‘green’ (safer) experiences that are within the window of tolerance of your nervous system is the way to go. Find trustworthy people and set up experimental settings. Share honestly about your needs (and listen to theirs). Treat it as a science project maybe, where you try something out and evaluate the result.
And please know that hurt that was created over time, needs time to resolve and may never fully disappear. Be kind and compassionate with yourself.