Can I have Slow Sex Please?

There is wine that you buy, just to buy wine. You quickly glance over the bottles and end up with a 5 liter box of cheap Merlot. Nothing wrong with that. The next time you spend even less time, heading for the same Merlot right away. You liked it last time, didn’t you?

Sex can be like that Merlot, or like a slowly ripened, full bodied affair. Nothing wrong with a quickie, but there is so much more than the fast-and-easy fix for releasing tension, frustration or just that urge for a moment of sensory high.

I like Slow Sex. These are some lessons I learned from practicing Tantra.

I like diversity and exploration

I like Merlot. But I also like Cabernet Sauvignon, Shiraz and Pinot Noir. I also deeply enjoy whiskey (especially those smoky, peaty ones) and occasionally champagne.

Sex can be the same each time. The same partner, the same bed, the same positions. For years I was happy with that. Until I realized that diversity was way more exciting.

My desires differ each day. Sometimes I want to be ravished by a man (or two); sometimes I want to stroke the soft body of a woman. Sometimes I want to be tied up, yet other times I want to make love for hours on silken sheets.

Just like with wine I like to take my time to explore. Try something new without worrying if this will be perfect, but rather smell it, savor it and discuss the after taste. If I don’t like it, soit. I’ll just make a different choice next time.

I prefer connection over satisfaction

With closed eyes my attention turns inward. Although I will still feel the physical touch, it will be my experience, instead of an experience that we have together. Sometimes closing my eyes for a few moments can help me to connect with my body and my thoughts. But when I keep them closed, the connection often gets lost.

I like really looking at someone. Observing every other freckle. The way someone’s eyebrow is shaped. Have you ever really looked at that? Bodies are fascinating! The more I allow myself to look, the more fascinated I become and the closer I feel to my lover.

But there’s more than just the surface. I love it when someone looks straight into my soul. When I feel seen, I feel safe and invited to show even more of myself. Feeling this connection, this invitation, feels more important to me than the act of sex itself.

I like letting go of the race towards orgasm

You talk, you kiss, you take some clothes off, move towards a bed or something alike, take the rest of your clothes off, grab a condom and after a few minutes you’re done.

Been there?

I have, and I don’t like it so much anymore. When sex is a race towards orgasm, it feels like eating fast food: it’s fast, it tastes good, and afterwards I feel bad. And not satisfied at all.

I like to savor each moment of an intimate connection, with my senses and mind present in the Now, instead of being focused on how to get more stimulation. Or being consumed by the thought whether I will make it to my own orgasm before my partner orgasms and falls asleep. Or feeling incapable when he didn’t orgasm.

One of my tantra teachers said: “every pleasurable sensation is a mini-orgasm”. This changed my complete experience of sex, as there was no more question of whether the sex was ‘successful’ or not. Pleasure versus pressure.

Some tantra teachers say that after a peak orgasm (ejaculation for a man; clitoral orgasm for a woman), hormones are released that will give you an intense high for a few seconds but leave you with a hangover for about three weeks. Although there is very little research on this subject, most of us will recognize that after such an orgasm what we desire most is sleep and space. I notice for myself and tantric friends around me, that when we keep away from peak orgasms, most of us are feeling more sensitive for sexual stimulation, and the orgasmic sensations become more intense and palpable throughout the whole body, instead of just in the genital region. There is a deeper sense of connection with the other person. And sometimes sex leads to deep spiritual experiences.

I like following the flow

In the old fashioned race to orgasm, energy steadily builds up from nothing to an outburst before dropping back to nil. In the past I worried when there was a dip in the exponential energy curve building towards orgasm.

Tantra taught me that energy doesn’t follow mathematical formulas. In slow sex energy builds and drops and changes flavor. I like being a wild panther in one second, to transform into a cute kitty the next, moving into dominatrix-mode before surrendering completely. I like cuddling in between, or having lovely conversations and some wine.

Merlot perhaps, before ravishing each other again. Pulling your hair and biting your neck until each nerve is awake and waiting for more.


Softly breathing.

Making a trail from your earlobe to your navel­­­ with my tongue, planting soft kisses there. Watching the goosebumps appear. Suddenly digging my nails into the flesh of your thighs, and then…