My Insecure Attachment System Gives You the Benefit of the Doubt

The way my (disorganized) insecure attachment - the ways in which I relate to people - works is that I doubt myself a lot. Whether I'm too much, not enough, boring, demanding, avoiding, clinging, etc. Whenever I'm in a confrontation with someone, something in me sends...

Team pride

Team pride

COFFEE & CANES, LAUGHTER & RAINBOWS That's my team, before and after a weekend of Exploring Kink. Another sold-out room with such a lovely group from all over the world. Two days. Many experiences. Tears, laughter, and Belgian pralines. I keep telling how I...

Notes: Boundaries

Notes: Boundaries

Notes from your #intimacyactivist I can understand you without tolerating your actions. My compassion doesn't mean I have no boundaries. Over the last weeks, there have been many examples in my personal life and surroundings where these sentences felt like a guide. I...

Notes: Manipulation

Notes: Manipulation

Notes from your #intimacyactivist My last weeks have been marked by relationships defined by manipulation. Blaming someone too young to understand electronics for not asking for the right machine is gaslighting. Facilitators offering sex in exchange for trauma therapy...

Why I, as a Facilitator, don’t want People to Simply Copy my Work

Why I, as a Facilitator, don’t want People to Simply Copy my Work

Short answer: because it can be dangerous and expose your participants to potential harm. A longer answer: over the 10+ years of being a facilitator I have seen many people being inspired by my work, all the way up to copying workshop titles, complete frameworks for...

Happy Pride Month!

Happy Pride Month!

It's not my first pride month as part of the LGTBQ+ community, but 2022 is the first though where I'm visibly queer, as I'm in a relationship with another woman. It's funny how different things are, compared to being in a straight-presenting relationship. Just a few...

The Undirected Responses of Our Body to People We Don’t Trust

The Undirected Responses of Our Body to People We Don’t Trust

Do you recognize that? That when you meet people you had intense and complex relationships or experiences with, your body still responds in an emotional way? I do. Sometimes it's someone I had a short but intense uncomfortable experience with. Sometimes an ex-partner....

HPV awareness

HPV awareness

HPV is considered an STI in some countries, but not in others. As more research is done, more is known and measures are changing. HPV is a virus that can cause warts and different kinds of cancers. Most people get it sooner or later, and in most, it doesn't manifest....

What I don’t like about Tantra

The world of (neo) tantra can be amazing. There are teachers that have high standards, bring amazing workshops and whom I wholeheartedly trust. But there are also dynamics that I don't like. The cultural appropriation, copying a guru culture badly, and of course, the...

The Solution for All Relationship Challenges

The Solution for All Relationship Challenges

It seems to me that the solution for every relationship challenge is really simple: to ask for the need that is underlying the emotional response, whether that's safety, a hug, being heared or something else. That doesn't mean relationship challenges are easy to deal...

For All the Mothers

For All the Mothers

This one is for all the mothers who feel insecure. The mothers who don't know how to balance their need for quiet with the sound of children. The mothers who mourn their loss of freedom and the mothers who don't know how to do it. The mothers who love their children...

Do you take regular STI tests?

Do you take regular STI tests?

Everyone who is sexually active can spread things. From HPV to gonorrhoea and hepatitis and way more. Many STIs are mainly annoying to have, but some you'll never get rid off, and others can kill you. I try to take regular tests, once or twice per year, depending on...

Introducing New Partners to my Kids – My Controversial Way

Introducing New Partners to my Kids – My Controversial Way

When I talk with other parents about introducing new partners to their kids, most of them are quite careful. In order not to upset their children's world too much when a new partner enters a parents' life, most of them let a relationship grow over time to test its...

Life as perceived gay as a formerly-perceived heterosexual

Life as perceived gay as a formerly-perceived heterosexual

So far in life, I always publicly related to people of another gender. Usually, with persons identifying and looking like men, sometimes with someone queer, but always in a relationship that seemed heterosexual. Until Lione. Besides identifying as queer, Lione also...

Licking the Wounds caused by Previous Relationships

Licking the Wounds caused by Previous Relationships

When a relationship ends, there's the possibility to look at it from an increased distance. This distance also makes it possible to see patterns. Recurring challenges that come back throughout different relationships. That's where I am now, and I'm grieving a...

I’m in Love with a Woman

I’m in Love with a Woman

When I was young I considered myself very much a heterosexual. Being bullied and having a complex youth, I tried not to deviate from the norms as much as I could to make sure I was as invisible as possible. My best friends were my horses, and besides a bit of kissing...

How I set Healthy Boundaries

How I set Healthy Boundaries

Having boundaries is okay - really. They will support you in creating safety and having the experiences you want to have and with whom you want to have them. In this video, I explain the difference between manipulative boundaries and the ones that are informed, but...

Some Thoughts about Heterosexuality

Some Thoughts about Heterosexuality

We still live in a society in which heterosexuality is seen as the norm. Any deviation from it may lead to shaming - or even violence. In some countries, non-heterosexual choices may lead to the death penalty. I think heterosexuality is an imposed choice. Why? There...

The Plurality of Feelings

The Plurality of Feelings

Content and sad Overwhelmed and lonely Bored with a long to-do list Grumpy and relaxed Grateful while feeling FOMO We don't have to choose. We can feel all of those things, and more, all at the same time. And it goes deeper. We have different parts inside us. The...

My 10yo Daughter’s Mastery in Self Regulation

My 10yo Daughter’s Mastery in Self Regulation

SELF REGULATION LIKE A PRO She's a pro, my Little Pirate. On day three of our holiday with one of my best friends, the Archeologist, and his three kids, she's wearing her oversized pyjamas, my vest, and her favourite stuffed bunny is within reaching distance at all...

Different Ways in which Your Boundaries can get Crossed

Different Ways in which Your Boundaries can get Crossed

These are two different ways: 1. Your boundaries can get crossed when you find yourself in a situation when someone (or you yourself) is forcing an experience upon you that you don't want to have. E.g. your parents force you to eat something you don't want to eat....

Some Benefits of Being Queer

Some Benefits of Being Queer

SOME BENEFITS OF BEING QUEERThere's a lot that can be said about the challenges when identifying as queer. But there are also quite some amazing things that I realized that have changed for me since publicly identifying as queer. Not that I ever wasn't queer. I always...

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