How is Your Relationship with Pleasure? (incl exercise)
How is your relationship with pleasure? (Incl a little micro exercise for you to do with me)
Not Being Taken Seriously
Do you feel you are taken seriously? I have always had the feeling I needed to prove myself. As a teenager coming from a small village and going to high school in a posh area of the bigger city. As a forestry student ('Hey, treehugger!') And nowadays no less. In...
Contemplations about Relationships
I'm thinking about relating a lot lately. How I grew up with the idea that success was being with one person for a long time, preferably doing things in the 'right' order, and showing up together in ways that are expected. Some relations beyond that one...
When Finding Yourself in an Uncomfortable Situation
I'm thinking about being in uncomfortable positions. Whether it's in yoga or relationships or elsewhere. I guess there are basically two options: 1. Moving away. Getting out of the position and not going back. From an insecure place this can be avoidance, from a...
How my Kids Judge People
Pride month is starting today, and my town of Utrecht kicked it off with Canal Pride. I'm queer. My kids (12, 14, 16) may be queer. They may not be. But they are supportive. Curious. They try to use the right pronouns for all our diverse friends. They don't judge for...
Growth isn’t Lineair
Growth isn't a lineair process. There are times that feel like accelerated speed. A rollercoaster with turn after turn and no end in sight. And then calmer waters.Sometimes it seems nothing happens in that stillness, but sometimes that's where most changes happen....
Do We Need to Fix Everything?
It's easy to think, once on the path of self-realization, the workshops, the books, the therapy, to believe that everything that ripples our waters 'needs fixing'. And yes, there is a lot with fixing that makes not only our lives happier and easier, but also that of...
Exposure Therapy
Therapy is amazing. We need safe spaces to discuss what is bothering us and learn new ways of looking at ourselves, others, and the world. But it's not everything. We also need to expose ourselves to (challenging but not too challenging) experiences in a safer way so...
Freezing in Intimate Situations
CW: sexual harm I'm going through a phase of pretty rough emotions linked to people close to me. Besides dealing with the emotions connected to the situation at hand, it also brings up memories. Memories of relationships in which agreements were broken. Of sabotaging...
How does my Brain Work? Pt 1: Contemplations
(Note that I'm no expert - I'm simply trying to make sense of myself) I have known for a long time that I am not neurotypical. If you are not neurotypical, we have three main boxes: ADHD, ASS, and HG. It's not a black-and-white test to fit into one or more of these...
Leaning into the Idea of Feeling Happy
Do you know this feeling: After intense emotional (or physical) turmoil or very demanding times, things get calmer, and you are doing well. But it's hard to really get to that feeling. It's more of a 'leaning into the idea that all is well now, I can relax, and I...
My Anxious/Avoidant Dynamics – Pt2
This week I'm spending time thinking about why my relationship with the Wizard feels increasingly secure (with moments where I do feel insecure), whereas in previous relationships the trend was often the other way. So why is that? Here are some things I am noticing in...
Dismantling Gender and Hierarchy in Touch
I really enjoy approaching tantra (and touch-based workshops as a whole) from a queer perspective. There is a lot of deeply engrained heteronormativity in both the physical, mental and emotional approaches with a focus on the (cis) male/female binary of gender....
Some Healing Lessons Received Through Kink
Kink has been a special teacher in my life. It has been one of the main keys to helping me process trauma, become more self-secure, and like myself much better. How? Some answers. 1. Consciously stepping into the role of following the other (submission) is totally...
Relationships and Situations
One of the most powerful things I have learned lately is to separate the relationship from the situation. This is something I found harder in the past. Whenever the situation was uncomfortable, there was a crisis in the relationship. It was me versus them. But when...
There is No End Point
Part of me thinks there is an endpoint. That somehow, at some point in time, I will 'get it'. I will know my boundaries impeccably. I know exactly what I want and to communicate that at the right moment. I will be free of trauma and fears. The older I get, the more I...
Do we need Resolution to be Free?
Do we need a resolution to be free?
Emotions and Big Changes (just turned 40!)
After a big change, the time to get used to the new state comes. But not all parts of us necessarily arrive at that new place at the same time. The rational mind, the nervous system, the emotional body, and perhaps other parts like our spiritual parts - they all have...
Forty
Forty. It's half my life ago when I was twenty. Double this and I am eighty. It feels like an eternity and a blink of an eye. I don't mind getting older. I celebrate the grey hairs, although slowly the physical downfall sets in. There is so much I love about aging:...
Fawning (the survival mechanism)
You may be well aware of the fight, flight, and freeze responses. But how well do you know fawning? Fawning is the survival strategy where you set aside your wants, needs, and boundaries to prioritize someone else's, to maintain the connection to that person. It can...
What makes a/my relationship safe?
SOMEONE ASKED ME THIS WEEKEND: "HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU FEEL SAFE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? How do you feel that in your body? How do you know?" That was a brilliant question, one that took me time to find words for. The thing is, it is hard to explain why I feel safer in my...
Similarities and Differences
Someone once told me that in the beginning of a relationship, you see the similarities between you. Then, after some months and getting to know each other better (and I would say, attachment patterns kicking in) you start to notice differences. It's why many...
What’s the difference between relationships and friendships?
A question that I can ponder over for hours. Is it saying 'we are in a relationship'? Is it the person we expect to fulfill all our needs? I once read somewhere that we define our relationships by who we are having sex with. It's quite a monogamous approach. There...
Changing the Pace of Relationships
I'm the type who is always in a rush. So much to do, so much to accomplish! But also that ever-repeating story that there are goals to reach, and they need to be reached fast! Preferably (thank you Calvinistic upbringing!) with suffering along the way - and beware of...
My Anxious/Avoidant Dynamics – Pt1
Relationships are such an interesting place for research. With the Wizard, I am diving deep into the details of how an anxious/avoidant dynamic plays out for us. Simplified: where the anxious-leaning partner needs proximity, the avoidant-leaning partner needs space....
Subscribe for more great articles and videos!
Sign up for my free mailings with videos, articles, and new events.
No spam, only a few emails per month with things I believe are worth sharing.