How to Increase our Capacity to Receive Pleasure
What impacts our capacity to experience pleasure? I believe it's about noticing what our senses register, noticing how that feels in the body (interoception), and letting go of any thoughts, conditionings, shame, fear, etc that may limit pleasure. And when that's...
I’m in Therapy and Not Ashamed
I'm in therapy, and I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not sure how it is in other countries, but here in The Netherlands, there's quite a stigma about it. 'When you're in therapy, something is wrong with you.' Well, we all go through things in life, and those things mess...
Turning Situations into Workshop Exercises
"If this situation was a workshop I carefully designed for myself, what is the lesson I can learn from it?" I love this question from Jamie Catto's 'Five Golden Keys for Alchemy'. It's all about turning a situation that is happening to us around, into something we...
eFlyer Retreats 2023
Red Flags in Workshops: Bystanders
Bystanders: they are there but don't do anything. Why is that problematic? Check the full brochure on different roles in situations of harm here.
Red Flags in Workshops: Enablers
What are enablers and how do they operate? Are you accidentally an enabler? Enablers are people who actively support a perpetrator, e.g. by organizing for them, opening their venue to them, co-teaching with them, assisting them, etc. Enablers may also shame or blame...
Red Flags in Workshops: Apologists
What are apologists, and why do they annoy me so? Apologists may not play an active role in harmful situations, but they are part of the problem and potentially perpetuate harm or abuse. It can be hard to stop apologizing and start listening to stories of targets...
My Insecure Attachment System Gives You the Benefit of the Doubt
The way my (disorganized) insecure attachment - the ways in which I relate to people - works is that I doubt myself a lot. Whether I'm too much, not enough, boring, demanding, avoiding, clinging, etc. Whenever I'm in a confrontation with someone, something in me sends...
Team pride
COFFEE & CANES, LAUGHTER & RAINBOWS That's my team, before and after a weekend of Exploring Kink. Another sold-out room with such a lovely group from all over the world. Two days. Many experiences. Tears, laughter, and Belgian pralines. I keep telling how I...
Notes: Boundaries
Notes from your #intimacyactivist I can understand you without tolerating your actions. My compassion doesn't mean I have no boundaries. Over the last weeks, there have been many examples in my personal life and surroundings where these sentences felt like a guide. I...
Notes: Manipulation
Notes from your #intimacyactivist My last weeks have been marked by relationships defined by manipulation. Blaming someone too young to understand electronics for not asking for the right machine is gaslighting. Facilitators offering sex in exchange for trauma therapy...
Why I, as a Facilitator, don’t want People to Simply Copy my Work
Short answer: because it can be dangerous and expose your participants to potential harm. A longer answer: over the 10+ years of being a facilitator I have seen many people being inspired by my work, all the way up to copying workshop titles, complete frameworks for...
Happy Pride Month!
It's not my first pride month as part of the LGTBQ+ community, but 2022 is the first though where I'm visibly queer, as I'm in a relationship with another woman. It's funny how different things are, compared to being in a straight-presenting relationship. Just a few...
The Undirected Responses of Our Body to People We Don’t Trust
Do you recognize that? That when you meet people you had intense and complex relationships or experiences with, your body still responds in an emotional way? I do. Sometimes it's someone I had a short but intense uncomfortable experience with. Sometimes an ex-partner....
HPV awareness
HPV is considered an STI in some countries, but not in others. As more research is done, more is known and measures are changing. HPV is a virus that can cause warts and different kinds of cancers. Most people get it sooner or later, and in most, it doesn't manifest....
What I don’t like about Tantra
The world of (neo) tantra can be amazing. There are teachers that have high standards, bring amazing workshops and whom I wholeheartedly trust. But there are also dynamics that I don't like. The cultural appropriation, copying a guru culture badly, and of course, the...
The Solution for All Relationship Challenges
It seems to me that the solution for every relationship challenge is really simple: to ask for the need that is underlying the emotional response, whether that's safety, a hug, being heared or something else. That doesn't mean relationship challenges are easy to deal...
For All the Mothers
This one is for all the mothers who feel insecure. The mothers who don't know how to balance their need for quiet with the sound of children. The mothers who mourn their loss of freedom and the mothers who don't know how to do it. The mothers who love their children...
Do you take regular STI tests?
Everyone who is sexually active can spread things. From HPV to gonorrhoea and hepatitis and way more. Many STIs are mainly annoying to have, but some you'll never get rid off, and others can kill you. I try to take regular tests, once or twice per year, depending on...
Some thoughts on conditioning and fascism in self-love and -acceptance modalities.
They tell you to love yourself, then they tell you how unhappy they were when they were 30 kilos heavier than they are now and still drank booze. They tell you to embrace your flaws, but then list all the yoga workouts to do that will give you a muscular yet slender...
Introducing New Partners to my Kids – My Controversial Way
When I talk with other parents about introducing new partners to their kids, most of them are quite careful. In order not to upset their children's world too much when a new partner enters a parents' life, most of them let a relationship grow over time to test its...
Life as perceived gay as a formerly-perceived heterosexual
So far in life, I always publicly related to people of another gender. Usually, with persons identifying and looking like men, sometimes with someone queer, but always in a relationship that seemed heterosexual. Until Lione. Besides identifying as queer, Lione also...
Licking the Wounds caused by Previous Relationships
When a relationship ends, there's the possibility to look at it from an increased distance. This distance also makes it possible to see patterns. Recurring challenges that come back throughout different relationships. That's where I am now, and I'm grieving a...
I’m in Love with a Woman
When I was young I considered myself very much a heterosexual. Being bullied and having a complex youth, I tried not to deviate from the norms as much as I could to make sure I was as invisible as possible. My best friends were my horses, and besides a bit of kissing...
How I set Healthy Boundaries
Having boundaries is okay - really. They will support you in creating safety and having the experiences you want to have and with whom you want to have them. In this video, I explain the difference between manipulative boundaries and the ones that are informed, but...
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