My Anxious/Avoidant Dynamics – Pt2

My Anxious/Avoidant Dynamics – Pt2

This week I'm spending time thinking about why my relationship with the Wizard feels increasingly secure (with moments where I do feel insecure), whereas in previous relationships the trend was often the other way. So why is that? Here are some things I am noticing in...

Dismantling Gender and Hierarchy in Touch

Dismantling Gender and Hierarchy in Touch

I really enjoy approaching tantra (and touch-based workshops as a whole) from a queer perspective. There is a lot of deeply engrained heteronormativity in both the physical, mental and emotional approaches with a focus on the (cis) male/female binary of gender....

Some Healing Lessons Received Through Kink

Some Healing Lessons Received Through Kink

Kink has been a special teacher in my life. It has been one of the main keys to helping me process trauma, become more self-secure, and like myself much better. How? Some answers. 1. Consciously stepping into the role of following the other (submission) is totally...

Relationships and Situations

Relationships and Situations

One of the most powerful things I have learned lately is to separate the relationship from the situation. This is something I found harder in the past. Whenever the situation was uncomfortable, there was a crisis in the relationship. It was me versus them. But when...

There is No End Point

There is No End Point

Part of me thinks there is an endpoint. That somehow, at some point in time, I will 'get it'. I will know my boundaries impeccably. I know exactly what I want and to communicate that at the right moment. I will be free of trauma and fears. The older I get, the more I...

Emotions and Big Changes (just turned 40!)

Emotions and Big Changes (just turned 40!)

After a big change, the time to get used to the new state comes. But not all parts of us necessarily arrive at that new place at the same time. The rational mind, the nervous system, the emotional body, and perhaps other parts like our spiritual parts - they all have...

Forty

Forty

Forty. It's half my life ago when I was twenty. Double this and I am eighty. It feels like an eternity and a blink of an eye. I don't mind getting older. I celebrate the grey hairs, although slowly the physical downfall sets in. There is so much I love about aging:...

Fawning (the survival mechanism)

Fawning (the survival mechanism)

You may be well aware of the fight, flight, and freeze responses. But how well do you know fawning? Fawning is the survival strategy where you set aside your wants, needs, and boundaries to prioritize someone else's, to maintain the connection to that person. It can...

What makes a/my relationship safe?

What makes a/my relationship safe?

SOMEONE ASKED ME THIS WEEKEND: "HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU FEEL SAFE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? How do you feel that in your body? How do you know?" That was a brilliant question, one that took me time to find words for. The thing is, it is hard to explain why I feel safer in my...

Similarities and Differences

Similarities and Differences

Someone once told me that in the beginning of a relationship, you see the similarities between you. Then, after some months and getting to know each other better (and I would say, attachment patterns kicking in) you start to notice differences. It's why many...

What’s the difference between relationships and friendships?

What’s the difference between relationships and friendships?

A question that I can ponder over for hours. Is it saying 'we are in a relationship'? Is it the person we expect to fulfill all our needs? I once read somewhere that we define our relationships by who we are having sex with. It's quite a monogamous approach. There...

Changing the Pace of Relationships

Changing the Pace of Relationships

I'm the type who is always in a rush. So much to do, so much to accomplish! But also that ever-repeating story that there are goals to reach, and they need to be reached fast! Preferably (thank you Calvinistic upbringing!) with suffering along the way - and beware of...

My Anxious/Avoidant Dynamics – Pt1

My Anxious/Avoidant Dynamics – Pt1

Relationships are such an interesting place for research. With the Wizard, I am diving deep into the details of how an anxious/avoidant dynamic plays out for us. Simplified: where the anxious-leaning partner needs proximity, the avoidant-leaning partner needs space....

Letting go of trying to be nice

Letting go of trying to be nice

What the fear of abandonment means to me, is an internalized conviction that people won't like me, unless I try really hard to be nice. It shows in behavior I often barely notice myself. Pausing, to notice what the other wants, and then 'suddenly' want the same. Being...

How not to let emotions escalate

How not to let emotions escalate

I'm slowly getting more clarity on how emotions can escalate without reason in my head. It starts with unease in the body. I may feel down, restless. There may be a reason for that: feeling a bit lonely, waiting for a message from a loved one, practical decisions...

Co-regulate first

Co-regulate first

Coregulate first... When there is something between you and your partner, or someone you love, and it's possible, coregulate first. The talk can feel urgent, words may burn to leave your mouth. But when it comes from a place of an active trigger, whatever you say may...

Dealing with an insecure, activated, nervous system

Dealing with an insecure, activated, nervous system

If you are insecurely attached, in this case, anxious or disorganized (aka the worst of both worlds), time separated from your partner(s) can be hard. Especially if there is trauma or harm involved too. My partner is gone for two weeks. Here's a bit on how I'm...

Our Choice of Words Matters

Our Choice of Words Matters

The words we choose to talk to ourselves and others with, matter. Over the last weeks, I kept saying that I didn't want a relationship and that when I met the Wizard I went in kicking and screaming. Until he, wisely, mentioned that I linked him to something I didn't...

Boundaries are always valid to have.

Boundaries are always valid to have.

Boundaries are always valid to have. It is an ideal idea that boundaries come from a place of calm, centeredness, and knowing our deepest truths. But boundaries coming from fear can be just as valid. Especially when we are recovering from a past of harm and trauma, we...

Dealing with Emotions when Close Relationships Change

Dealing with Emotions when Close Relationships Change

As I am moving through the processes of letting people go and letting people in, I realize again: emotions don't come in a linear fashion. Emotions come in waves, and those waves follow patterns. Now I see it, the pattern isn't very hard to recognize: when there is an...

How to Increase our Capacity to Receive Pleasure

How to Increase our Capacity to Receive Pleasure

What impacts our capacity to experience pleasure? I believe it's about noticing what our senses register, noticing how that feels in the body (interoception), and letting go of any thoughts, conditionings, shame, fear, etc that may limit pleasure. And when that's...

I’m in Therapy and Not Ashamed

I’m in Therapy and Not Ashamed

I'm in therapy, and I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not sure how it is in other countries, but here in The Netherlands, there's quite a stigma about it. 'When you're in therapy, something is wrong with you.' Well, we all go through things in life, and those things mess...

Turning Situations into Workshop Exercises

Turning Situations into Workshop Exercises

"If this situation was a workshop I carefully designed for myself, what is the lesson I can learn from it?" I love this question from Jamie Catto's 'Five Golden Keys for Alchemy'. It's all about turning a situation that is happening to us around, into something we...

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