Blog - Exploring Deeper

You Can’t Think Your Way Out of Trauma

You cannot think your way out of trauma. I often meet people who think 'they should be over this by now' or try to rationalize their way through hurt. It seems to be a topic that comes to the surface in relationships, whether monogamous or non-monogamous (although in...

Rethinking Safety Beyond Prevention

Safety is not about preventing anything challenging or potentially hurtful from happening (that's impossible anyway). It's about what happens afterward. About creating closeness, intimacy, and trust again. It's about listening and being heard. It's about commitment...

[media] Cuddle Workshops @ Kalm Waes (VRT1)

Last year I was approached by Belgian television VRT whether they could make recording at a cuddle workshop for their new program Kalm Waes with Tom Waes, about ways to reduce stress. It's always tricky, being in the media with something that can be seen as weird, 'a...

Consent for Performing Arts Students

From my LinkedIn - things I also do besides my own workshops: For the Speak Out project of FEDEC - International network for professional circus education, supported by the European Union and Fontys University of Applied Sciences, I am teaching a two-part workshop on...

Receiving vs. the Discomfort of Anticipated Return

I think there is a thing we get twisted when it comes to receiving. I meet many people who say they find it hard to receive, harder than giving. Giving comes easier, they say, as they know what to do and can be of service. But receiving is difficult, as it is for...

Notes from a Recovering Codependent

Space between people feels different as a recovering codependent. I’ve always identified as anxiously attached and insecure in relationships. And although I've been on a path of recovery for years, I can still fall into those patterns. However, I am changing, slowly....

Celebrating the Space Between Our Wants

For many years, I believed being "too much" was my problem. Whether it was a desire for more intimacy, s/x, extra time together, or additional cuddles, I thought the issue was solely with me. I considered the other person's pace, intensity, and quantity the neutral...

I’m conflict-avoidant, and I’m fine with that

Conflict, to me, is when emotions escalate to a point where productive communication breaks down. It’s the red zone on the spectrum of emotional states, where stress responses like fight, flight, or freeze take over. I’d rather not let things get to that point. That...

Relationships: how I am still pushing myself to be elsewhere

Embracing 'being in the now' and 'honoring where we are on our path' are practices most of us have encountered around personal growth and wealth. But how does that work when we apply that to relationships? I'm realizing I'm still pushing myself to be somewhere else...

A New Horse in my Life!

Almost eight years ago my dear horse Jade died, only a few months after I had to sell my two ponies. After a life full of horses, suddenly there was silence and grief. Those who know me have always known how much I missed having my own horses, but as my kids were...

My Anxious/Avoidant Dynamics – Pt3: rest vs. excitement

I used to think that all those surges of adrenaline and drama in my relationships meant something real was happening—that I was growing, or that the relationship itself was inherently meaningful. In reality, I now recognize that my attachment style was playing a big...

How is Your Relationship with Pleasure? (incl exercise)

How is your relationship with pleasure? (Incl a little micro exercise for you to do with me)

Not Being Taken Seriously

Do you feel you are taken seriously? I have always had the feeling I needed to prove myself. As a teenager coming from a small village and going to high school in a posh area of the bigger city. As a forestry student ('Hey, treehugger!') And nowadays no less. In...

Contemplations about Relationships

I'm thinking about relating a lot lately. How I grew up with the idea that success was being with one person for a long time, preferably doing things in the 'right' order, and showing up together in ways that are expected. Some relations beyond that one...

When Finding Yourself in an Uncomfortable Situation

I'm thinking about being in uncomfortable positions. Whether it's in yoga or relationships or elsewhere. I guess there are basically two options: 1. Moving away. Getting out of the position and not going back. From an insecure place this can be avoidance, from a...

How my Kids Judge People

Pride month is starting today, and my town of Utrecht kicked it off with Canal Pride. I'm queer. My kids (12, 14, 16) may be queer. They may not be. But they are supportive. Curious. They try to use the right pronouns for all our diverse friends. They don't judge for...

Growth isn’t Lineair

Growth isn't a lineair process. There are times that feel like accelerated speed. A rollercoaster with turn after turn and no end in sight. And then calmer waters.Sometimes it seems nothing happens in that stillness, but sometimes that's where most changes happen....

Do We Need to Fix Everything?

It's easy to think, once on the path of self-realization, the workshops, the books, the therapy, to believe that everything that ripples our waters 'needs fixing'. And yes, there is a lot with fixing that makes not only our lives happier and easier, but also that of...

Exposure Therapy

Therapy is amazing. We need safe spaces to discuss what is bothering us and learn new ways of looking at ourselves, others, and the world. But it's not everything. We also need to expose ourselves to (challenging but not too challenging) experiences in a safer way so...

Freezing in Intimate Situations

CW: sexual harm I'm going through a phase of pretty rough emotions linked to people close to me. Besides dealing with the emotions connected to the situation at hand, it also brings up memories. Memories of relationships in which agreements were broken. Of sabotaging...

How does my Brain Work? Pt 1: Contemplations

(Note that I'm no expert - I'm simply trying to make sense of myself) I have known for a long time that I am not neurotypical. If you are not neurotypical, we have three main boxes: ADHD, ASS, and HG. It's not a black-and-white test to fit into one or more of these...

Leaning into the Idea of Feeling Happy

Do you know this feeling: After intense emotional (or physical) turmoil or very demanding times, things get calmer, and you are doing well. But it's hard to really get to that feeling. It's more of a 'leaning into the idea that all is well now, I can relax, and I...

My Anxious/Avoidant Dynamics – Pt2

This week I'm spending time thinking about why my relationship with the Wizard feels increasingly secure (with moments where I do feel insecure), whereas in previous relationships the trend was often the other way. So why is that? Here are some things I am noticing in...

Dismantling Gender and Hierarchy in Touch

I really enjoy approaching tantra (and touch-based workshops as a whole) from a queer perspective. There is a lot of deeply engrained heteronormativity in both the physical, mental and emotional approaches with a focus on the (cis) male/female binary of gender....

Some Healing Lessons Received Through Kink

Kink has been a special teacher in my life. It has been one of the main keys to helping me process trauma, become more self-secure, and like myself much better. How? Some answers. 1. Consciously stepping into the role of following the other (submission) is totally...