It’s a question I have been playing with for years. When I’m in a very binary/straight environment I feel queer, and when I’m in a non-binary/queer welcoming space, I’m worried about being perceived as an unwelcomed guest.
I may generally look like your average cis-gendered straight woman. But that’s not how I feel. I feel like a wide range of personalities, a spectrum inside a container that can look differently everyday.
I predominantly feel s.xually attracted to men. But not all the time. I’ve been relating with female identifying beings as well. I’ve been having wonderful s.x with men feeling like women. I’ve been f.cking men and women with my strapon. I can feel my energy c.ck clearly (and those with me in the situation too!).
In some tantra schools they say predominantly feminine defined beings have relationship as their primary driving force in life, whereas predominantly masculine identified beings have life purpose as their driving force.
I love my female body and I wouldn’t want to change it for the world for another body (okay, except for wearing that strapon occasionally as I love having a physical feeling of that energy c.ck), and my primary driving force in life definitely is life purpose.
I believe my feminine and masculine parts are pretty well balanced.
My inner man loves taking a woman (or a man feeling very yin) by the arm and take her out. It’s so very nourishing for me!
I also love being in my sensual sexy feminine self, letting go of structure. I love a man taking care of me.
And yes, I’m using man/woman (how society sees us), male/female (physical appearance, though I feel we have many archetypes/characters inside us who have different genders), masculine/feminine (gender independent polarities we all have), yin/yang (same polarities, more gender-independently phrased) all in one piece.
I feel it’s all a spectrum that we all have. we may all be somewhere else on that spectrum and have different bandwidths we move along.
And I feel a fear in me. That, to be accepted as queer, I may not use the exact right words. That I look too straight. That if I would change my hair (I have been contemplating that for at least years now, but never have the courage or want it enough) I wouldn’t look feminine enough anymore.
I love how our culture is slowly changing towards a society where we can explore our gender as well as our s.xuality in a freer way. We’re not there yet. there’s still intolerance. from the straight communities, but I’ve also experienced intolerance for being perceived ‘not queer enough to be part of us’, which has felt hurtful and made me insecure too.
It’s definitely something I encourage in my workshops: let’s play with all these inner aspects we have. I know for me that acknowledging I may be a female with a lot of masculine energy is okay, made me freer, and more at home in my body. It’s still a journey I’m on and I’m far from done experimenting with all my inner parts.
I love how people describe their orientation and gender using their pronouns in their bios and videocall screens. I love how places like Fetlife let us use many options to describe who we are.
I guess I’d be a pansexual cis-gendered queer shapeshifting female if you’d ask me about my label.
I’m curious about your thoughts/experiences with this!