Do you need to have it all?

Do you need to have it all?

Can you smell a delicious dish and not eat it? Can you enjoy an intense hug without needing to kiss her? Can you enjoy kissing her without needing to have sex? Can you have sex without needing an orgasm? So often we are one step ahead in our head, not being present in this current moment. We forget to enjoy what is in front of us, what we have, and trade it for thoughts of how it could be better, leaving us unfulfilled and dissatisfied. Try it today: be present with what is there. If you find your thoughts moving to the next step, smile at yourself, acknowledge your longing, and see if you can let go. It just might…

Continue reading

Are you a food addict like me?

Are you a food addict like me?

Many of us are addicted to food and we don’t know it. According to Food Addicts Anonymous “Food addiction manifests itself in the uncontrollable craving for excess food that follows the ingestion of refined carbohydrates, primarily sugar and flour substances that are quickly metabolized and turned into sugar in the bloodstream.” Now it wouldn’t be so bad if we could eat that chocolate chip cookies or Ben and Jerry’s Utter Peanut Butter Clutter Cookie Core without consequences, but: “Due to those uncontrollable cravings, a food addict’s quality of life deteriorates when he or she eats sugar, flour or wheat. It can deteriorate physically, emotionally, socially and/or spiritually.” Oh darn. Am I a food addict? I eat healthy, mostly vegan and…

Continue reading

(Poem#15) I am responsible

I am responsible

It’s so easy, Fucking myself up, Unease raging through me, Telling myself there’s trouble Everywhere.   It’s so easy, Feeling left out, Left behind, Life a conspiracy Against me.   It’s so easy, Shutting myself out, Building up my walls, Lifting up the bridge – Alone.   It’s my choice, Always.   Love or fear; Open or close; Invite in or shut out; Live or survive.   I am responsible, I am courageaous, I am here, I am alive.   More than ever. ~ I am alone at home with my three young daughters while my partner is traveling and visiting beautiful people for a week. It’s so easy to get stuck in fear and panic. Would he forget me?…

Continue reading

The raw truth about my open relationship

The raw truth about my open relationship

In my last article, ‘Letter to the women who sleep with my man’, I shared words with you that came from my heart. The message is real: I have shared words like these with sisters, and I would share them again. But the letter may also create the image that an open relationship, my open relationship, is all about rose buds and fairy tales. And that is not for real. I have written about the challenges in polyamory before. In this article I will give you a glimpse into my life, into how I experience open relationships and polyamory, my pitfalls and what works for me to find my way back. My open relationship is the toughest and deepest path of…

Continue reading

How to deal with fear in polyamory?

When you have a polyamorous or open relationship, it’s not the question if fear will come up. Rather, the question is when it’s going to hit you. Sometimes fear comes creeping in as jealousy, expected but nevertheless unwelcome. Sometimes a panic attack takes you by surprise for a reason you never imagined. What are we afraid of? My fears often come up when my partner is not with his attention with me. When he’s checking his Facebook for example, or especially when he’s away on a date. I have no control on his behavior, and that makes me nervous. I feel triggered: my brain tells my body I’m in some sort of danger and I should be ready to fight,…

Continue reading

Who’s driving your bus? Three steps to kick out the gremlins and take control of your life

Do you recognize those moments where it feels like you are being lived? That some kind of authority is commanding you to freak out, even though you hardly know why? You look in the mirror and don’t recognize the image of the stamping kid with clenched fists, raging about what s/he’s not getting. He simply asked me for a cup of tea. No more than that. After a long travel to come to see me, he asks me the favor of making him tea. Instead of getting up and giving him something he longs for, I feel rebellion coming up. “Why don’t you get it yourself?” It’s out before I know it. I see the disappointment in his face. The…

Continue reading

Feeling too much and not good enough

FEELING TOO MUCH AND NOT ENOUGH

Have you ever realized that most of us feel both too much and not enough at the same time? Too loud, too present, too quiet, too fat, too small, too shy. not good enough, not loved enough, not smart enough, not fast enough, not rich enough. Yes, they are different sides of the same medal of self-judgment, although they tend to have different results. Feeling too much results in hiding, while feeling not enough results in over-acting. We try to compensate what we believe how the outer world experiences us. That’s called projection. We project an image of ourselves onto others, and, while we’re doing this anyway, also assume they will have a certain reaction towards us. We think we…

Continue reading

Let my heart break into a thousand pieces

“There’s a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.” ~ Leonard Cohen. The way the heart grows is by cracking open. Just like an insect breaks through its old skin so it can grow larger, our hearts need to break, to hurt, to crack open before they can grow bigger. To contain more love in our bodies, to be able to feel deeper and more intense, we need to break through the shells of protection that we’ve built around our hearts. Only then our hearts can be free. Life will test you, once you’ve cleared your mind and set your intention on growth and self-liberation. ‘Just how far are you willing to open your heart? Can you take…

Continue reading

On the desire for control

relax

Life is such a vast experience, that it’s hard to grasp. On the one hand we try to keep ourselves small. We tell each other about all the impossibilities in our days, how we can’t manage or aren’t allowed to. Making our lives small is a coping mechanism for those who can’t see the vastness and the abundance. Another coping mechanism is control. Whether it is about our own decisions or those of others, control gives us a sense of direction, of having influence on our world. But it’s false security. Nothing can ever be controlled. There is no way we can predict the course of a day, let alone of all days of all those people around us. Now…

Continue reading

Fulfilling emotional needs: neediness vs. taking responsibility

Fulfilling emotional needs

It’s a Saturday evening. You are dancing at a wonderful party. Completely captured by the music you move without thinking. Your eyes are closed. Suddenly you realize there’s someone standing in front of you. Soft hands touch your arms and take a firm hold of your hands. You open your eyes and gaze into two beautiful brown eyes. You have never met the person before, yet you melt together in a dance that wakes up all your senses. Eventually, you get tired of dancing and sit down together, snuggled up in a corner. You exchange names but skip the chit chat. You dive into deep conversations and forget time and space completely. Suddenly the music stops and the lights switch…

Continue reading