I choose not to suffer

Sometimes a feeling can really attack you. There is a trigger, and even before you know what happens, your body reacts with strong fysical sensations and your mind comes along, attaching a story to the event. For a long time this happened to me constantly. I created tons of stories by always taking things personally (‘They cannot come, probably they go elsewhere so that means they don’t like me. I’m so unlikable‘). Sometimes I felt the whole universe was one, large conspiracy against me. Life = suffering. It happens more and more often that I can be like a strongly grounded being looking at my emotions from a distance. It’s like being in the middle of a whirlwind, with all…

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Ayahuasca

Are you familiar with the fascinating realm of synchronicities? Synchronicities are occurrences that are so much aligned with your path that they simply do not feel like pure coincidences. I like to believe that synchronicities show me the direction of my purpose. My heart-centered path of immense growth and happiness. Since I focus on my growth processes, my life appears to have central themes. Often this is a fear or insecurity that feels stuck in my being. This can be a childhood trauma, an accident or a limiting belief. When learning to appreciate my body was a theme, I was invited to come to intuitive dancing in contact with other people. I met people who told me out of the…

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The angry little witch in me

There lives a little witch in me and she’s making big fuss. She believes it is her job to protect me from harm and she is doing all she can to keep me safe. But she comes with a cost. Every time she shows her face and starts freaking out I close off. I feel afraid, unsafe and small, and choose to hide away in the safe shelter of my mind. I create walls around me that are unbreakable, unconquerable. But it is lonely in my moat. Feeling safe is a basic for all of us. We want experience love, but we can only love and feel loved when we feel safe. Long time ago, when we roamed the earth…

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The Challenges in Polyamory (Or: The Road to Ultimate Freedom)

Having an open relationship is amazing. Your heart opens to many different new connections at a deep level of interacting on the level of the heart. To me an open relationship is all about sharing love. Love can manifest itself in the form of a sexy person, but also as new possible business partners, friends, clients, teachers.  Existing connections switch towards a deeper level. I have learned that by opening my heart I can instantly love someone. But is switching your relationship to an open model just fun and ease? Nope. There are challenges in an open relationship, in living polyamorous. When opening your relationship, be prepared for a journey of unpeeling all the layers you formed over time. You…

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Healing myself – part 1 and 2

It feels like I’m going through all my chakras to really clear them up from all deep pain and hurt that is still there. Last week on Wednesday Seb and I had our first fight. It was about a misinterpretation of how much we’d tell each other about our openness in relationships. We had an argument but talked things over during the next days and eventually came out stronger than before. But our fight also opened a well of fear. I cried and cried. I felt so unsafe and sad. It was like a major fear from the past wasd triggered. All of a sudden I felt like the little girl in the situations I always had to deal with in…

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How to clean a mailbox

After a turbulent time with many new experiences, it feels like time for reflection and evaluation. Resting a little before the rollercoaster takes me on another round. Yesterday I felt an urge to clean my house, as a physical act of my mind that’s clearing up. Today I felt like cleaning up more. My email account piled up messages for some years and because of the mess it wasn’t very nice to look for old messages, and I started to forget answering important emails, and getting distracted by unimportant stuff. How to clean a mailbox? Here’s what I did: Start somewhere First I made a new folder for emails and and called it ‘old inbox’. I put all messages older…

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Emotions during processes of change

How do you master new habits? How do you grow as a person? There are four steps to take to change yourself: 1. Unconsciously incompetent At first you don’t realize there’s something to change. You lack the knowledge or the experience or the references to be aware a certain habit is not helping you as a person. And since nothing bothers you, there’s no trigger for change. Let’s use the example of smoking. You may be a smoker and be totally unaware of the health risks smoking implies. You have enough money to buy cigarettes and matches, you like to smoke and you love the social interaction with other smokers that smoking brings. Why would you stop smoking if there…

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