I had a huge binge on chocolate last night. During my detox.
Over the last days I felt how little things made me feel like a loser. I was constantly subconsciously shaming myself for feeling hungry, for making my yugh-shakes into something that tasted quite alright with some stevia, cinnamon and cocoa. I was silently judging my cravings for sweets and nuts.
Last night I was tired of being so tough towards myself. For 20 days I had been eating nothing but kale and other green veggies. And those proteine shakes. It was enough.
So I challenged myself lovingly: ‘If you will go for sweets tonight babe, can you do that without feeling guilty? Can you enjoy it? Because there’s no point in having this party with yourself if you will feel terrible afterwards.‘
I felt I could do that.
And so I indulged myself with a little leftover of cookie-dough icecream, chocolate covered peanuts and topped it off with some more chocolate. And I loved it. Shivers went up my spine as the chocolate was melting in my mouth.
I checked in with myself. Is this an escape? Is this soothing my emotions because my partner has a sleepover date with a girl? Is this a PMS-flight?
It wasn’t. I didn’t feel triggered by any of these events.
Instead of the guilt I know so well when I eat something sugary, I felt a huge amount of self-love pouring over me.
And I know…
I know that the relief of letting go of strictness makes me feel good.
I know that the addiction patterns in my brain make me feel good, as they finally get their drug.
I know my body is releasing feel-good hormones like serotonin because of external, unhealthy input.
I know my ego is smart enough to find excuses for every single thing I do and why it’s allright.
And I love myself.
Did this binge during my detox made the whole process a failure?
No. I learned to be so soft and kind to myself. I learned to not see every imperfection as a sign of me being a failure in general. I learned to love myself a bit more.
And today I have a choice again. A choice to let go of sugar for another day and enjoy my kale and cinnamon shakes.