A journey towards complete freedom
Sometimes I meet people who I consider to be sexual persons. They don’t need to have the looks of a catalog model. It’s about their appearance, the vibe they broadcast.
First of all, these people are totally comfortable in the body they are in. I’ve seen them in many shapes, from pretty young girls to chubby old men. Both tall and short, thick and thin. They all had in common that they radiated. Without exception, these people are beautiful. Just plain beautiful.
They all live a life in which they follow their heart. Whether they have a job in a library, grocery store, having their own companies or are famous. They do the things they love most.
And –here’s the sexy part- they are very confident about their own sexiness and all the good things linked to contact with other people. This doesn’t necessarily include sex. It’s also in eye contact. In a hug. In a kiss on the check. In a conversation. And in sex.
It’s all about the senses…
Contact with people, it’s all about sensing. Our senses are the key between the world out there and our inner experiences. The input to our system is all we taste, smell, feel, see and hear. We decide whether what we perceive is good (pleasure) or bad (pain). But that’s not our full experience of a situation.
After we perceive something with our senses and decide whether we are in danger or not, we add our emotions, beliefs and life strategies.
If we grew up in a perfect world, that would only enrich our experiences. But limiting beliefs and negative projections (even more than negative experiences) disable us to really enjoy what our senses bring us. We close our senses, disconnect from the moment and thereby creating negative feelings like guilt, fear, sadness or anger.
Is lust bad?
We grow up in a world that doesn’t stimulate fun, pleasure or lust. It’s still encouraged to have a job that consumes most of your time, work hard and be serious. Lust should be hidden. You don’t need to talk about it. And enjoying sex is for nymphomaniacs.
Can you imagine this scene, Monday morning at the coffee machine: Paul: “Zack, how was your weekend?” Zack: “You won’t believe the amazing sex my wife and I had. You know, I tied her to the bed, naked. Then I got some whipped cream and…”
And it’s not just about sex, it’s about lust in general. Children satisfy their feelings of lust through playing. They create fun situations and truly celebrate life. But while we grow up, many of us are taught that we should not follow these wild waves of life energy. We should behave. We shouldn’t run around naked, sing to the sun or paint the walls of our houses pink with purple flowers.
We should pretend we do not have feelings of lust. We should pretend we don’t enjoy sex. It’s a practical thing you need to do when you want to put children into this world. But do close the curtains when you undress.
We feel guilty and ashamed for the feelings of lust we have and deny them. Lust is an emotion. When we deny our feelings of lust, we deny emotions. We can no longer trust our emotions. We cannot trust our inner judgment of pain or pleasure anymore. In time, this results in excessive self-protection or in being unable to protect our own feelings. We disconnect completely or we let ourselves get hurt time after time.
What does lust do? It makes energy flow. It creates a longing. Longing initiates change and growth.
What about sex? Considering it’s practiced safely and voluntarily by all involved, sex is a great way of connecting with people. Sex is about trust, devotion, dedication, giving, receiving and sharing. You can practice sex on a pure physical level, and share moments of wild passion. You can have sex from the heart and share deep feelings of love and appreciation.
Becoming a sexual person means liberation to me. Full freedom by not feeling limited inside by feelings of guilt, fear or shame in all levels of connecting with people.
I was taught I should hide my sexuality. It’s something we never talked about. A taboo subject. Besides that, I never learned to love the body I have. I’m quite tall (6 feet), have large feet and I’m not delicately boned, so to say. I always felt huge. I have a skin decease called couperose, which caused redness all over my face for years before I was treated for it. Whenever someone looked at I projected very negative thoughts about myself to the situation. I was longing for people to hug and appreciate me, but didn’t find them. I felt very insecure.
When I started going to parties, I’d try to convince myself of being worthy by connecting with men. But I was unable to protect myself. I was too insecure and too afraid to do something wrong and turn the attention away to say ‘no’ to the situation I got myself into. I taught myself to completely disconnect my mind from my body whenever I was in these kinds of unwanted situations.
Since that time many things changed. I’m almost completely okay with my body, I feel very loved and appreciated, I know I can manifest amazing people into my life.
I’m not convinced though that I’m able to protect my own boundaries. And besides being able to say what I don’t want, I also have difficulties saying what I do want.
Is it a good thing to be in an open relation being not 100% convinced of my own capabilities of expressing what I do and don’t want? I believe it is. Because different people trigger different boundaries, emotions and limiting strategies I have. It’s also the way I like to handle growth experiences: throw myself in rough water and learn to swim. It tough, it’s emotional. And it’s releasing so much old weight and tension that does not belong to the person I am right now.
So how will I do this? How will I become a sexual person?
By letting go.
I could read hundreds of books. Take part in numerous workshops. Have sessions with renown coaches.
But I don’t need to.
Everything I need is already in me.
I only need to let go of all that holds me back. I only need to shake of that old skin that doesn’t fit anymore.
I only need to keep breathing. Use my senses. Feel. Taste. See. Hear. Smell.
I felt like a caged bird, not realizing the door of the cage was never locked. I never lost my wings. I never lost my songs. I never lost the capability of flying and singing. I just didn’t realize I could choose to be free all the time.
Do you (and your partner/s) want personal guidance on your path in non-monogamy or other aspects of your life? I am worldwide available for coaching sessions, talking e.g. about challenges, what to do when your needs and desires differ, or how to deal with jealousy and fear. Contact me for more information and booking your session.